my son needs a haircut

i think i am losing my mind
and then i think i have found it
and i try desperately to hold on to it - my sanity, that is.
it's like trying to store pudding in a colander

this and other meaningless banter
all rolling around in my head

i suffer from depression. and suffer is actually the appropriate word.
i started a new anti-depressant January 2005 and as it 'kicked-in' and did it's job, i felt less and less need to blog for therapy.
oh, i wrote tons of blog entries since then - all in my head. for my own purposes. they just never made it here.

at thanksgiving 2005 i released my babysitter from her employment with our family.
i have yet to hire a replacement.
which means I went through the entire holiday season without help. was the first time in four years i wrapped all my Christmas presents and put up all the decorations by myself.

about the same time i let her go, i found out i had polyps in my uterus.
in my head - for weeks - i kept repeating

i have polyps in my uterus
but i don't think it's very humorous

i was sure there was a song in there somewhere but that's as far as I ever got.

scared the living shit out out me.

on the 8th of december, i had out patient surgery. the polyps were benign and were removed.

clean bill of health - as far as female organs go...

money was tight for the holidays so i decided to make a lot of my presents. I knew getting decorations up, making, buying and wrapping gifts would be a huge ordeal as the holidays always are so early on, i just made up my mind that i would work my butt off and plow through it all. if for no other reason - for the kids.

Christmas was the last thing i wanted to do. but i kept hoping that if i faked it. if i pretended. if i went through the motions. if i did everything right that a mom of three is supposed to do - then, THEN i would have the Christmas spirit too.

and it worked briefly. the highlight of the season for me was our pageant at church. i felt 'it' there. which i guess is where you are supposed to feel the Christmas spirit so that worked out nicely.

then back to the rush rush rush. Drive 10 hours to Mississippi with two sick kids, one ILL kid, one large dog and a grumpy, exhausted hubby.

shortly after arriving my daughter accidentally broke one of the gifts i had made. it was completely an accident. it could EASILY be repaired (and was) but I lost it. i mean i COMPLETELY lost it. i screamed, cried and wailed so hard for so long i busted blood vessels under my eyes. no joke. permanent reminders of this episode.

the rest of the trip and holiday at home are somewhat of a blur. i was utterly exhausted but determined to do what i could to 'create memories' for the kids. and there were some really nice moments for the kids. we pulled that off at least.

my parents were great. my mom came back to texas with us and spent 10 days or so at my home. just having her here was a balm for my soul. (explain that b/c we have never spent such a long stretch together without one of us trying to kill the other one)

i continued to push myself. i had work to do, a house guest i wanted to take care of and three kids at home for the rest of the holidays. one kid still quite sick.

did go to a fabulous new year's eve party and mom baby sat. bonus.

but then my Mom left. kids went back to school. still no baby sitter for two (almost three) year old son at home. job work to do. house to clean. bills to pay. dishes to wash. baby sitter to hire. laundry to do. carpool to run. normal everyday stuff that normal every day people do.

and i dissolve into a puddle of worthless human flesh. all i want to do is sleep. and eat. did i mention i gained 20 pounds last year. lovely, huh?

and sleep.
and eat.

and eat.
and sleep.

so i am in a funk - not full out - as the meds prevent be from falling into the abyss. but i can tell if the meds were not in my system, i would be non-functioning. i despise this cloud in my soul feeling.

i tell my hubby. he has all but quit trying to understand me and my illness.

i tell my dad. he listens. and relates as best he can. and finally he tells me that sometimes you have to just 'dig deep' and 'push through it.' and he is right.

i talk to my mom about it. sometimes i think she understands better than anyone as i remember her (when I was a child) sometimes acting out then the way I feel on the inside now. and she does understand. and empathise. and finally she tells me that i am made of stronger stuff than this. that she and my paternal grandmother were both survivors and lived through their own hells at times - without the benefit of pharmaceuticals, i imagine.

so finally i talk to my shrink. he ups my dose of one med and writes me a new script. i am now up to three meds to help me feel 'normal.'

Shrink tells me i need to go to counseling. I start laughing at him - and then start crying. tell me something i don't know.
and when exactly, pray tell, would you like for me to go to counseling?? before or after carpool? should i schedule it after i drop my 7 (almost 8) year old daughter off with her counselor? or perhaps I can squeeze it in b/t laundry and the dishes. and do ya think they'd mind if i bring my two year old son with me since i can't seem to find a baby sitter to hire?

speaking of which,
my son really needs a haircut.