sinking

crystal blue water
the surface above me
ripples moving
rhythmically with the wind

perfectly measured and matched

.

reaching for the surface

my fingers sweep and break through

.

then sinking

.

pulling hard

to reach the surface

.

again

.

prisms of air

life

- my life -

dancing away to the surface

.

my breath

leaving my body

.

involuntarily

at first

.

silent tears flow

mixing with the salt of the sea

.

kicking my feet against the pull from below

my legs are heavy

.

tired

.

screaming out

there is no sound

.

just more air

floating up

above me

.

still sinking

the peaceful life sustaining surface

moving further away

.

reaching out

.

pulling for it

.

the light from above is starting to fade

.

my lungs are empty now

tight

.

can't breath

.

needing to breath

.

can't decide if i want to

.

the dark is absorbing

the light is gone

.

almost peaceful here

.

and at the same time terrifying

why i would never commit suicide...

1. the most important reason i would never commit suicide is my family - specifically my kids. i could not leave them with that legacy. i'd rather them raised by a "kooky" mom than left by one unable to handle life and therefore ended hers.
2. i am a ninny. pain scares me.
3. i am afraid i would burn in hell for eternity
4. don't want my husband to get the life insurance money. not because i don't love him or anything but i have no doubt that while my body rots in the ground he'd go out and buy a brand new red dodge viper. and i'd have to come back and haunt his ass. And at the very least - when i am dead, i want to rest - not have to get up and chase him around (in order to haunt him) in his sexy new little sports car.
5. i have to know how this season of 24 will end
6. have not been to scotland yet
7. even though i have my own personal set of demons i deal with on a regular basis and they make me flat out batty sometimes, i love life. i love living. i love not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

Richard Jenni, comedian, shot and killed himself yesterday in West Hollywood. He's the guy that did the private engagement for my company's conference last year in Vegas. He brought the house down. He's the one I got to meet backstage with our CEO after the show. He's the guy that seemed so sincere and upbeat and glad to meet us in order to make sure he had done a great job for our company.

he obviously had his own demons.

you never really know when you meet someone what their demons may be.

i have demons.

you never really know if the people you deal with every day consider suicide as a way out.

everyday.

i consider it.

would never, EVER do it. for the reasons listed above and a thousand more.

but i still consider it. i relate - in a very twisted sort of way - to the people who actually do it. i do not extol their actions or wish to follow in their footsteps. i simply relate to the emotion that got them to the point of complete and utter desperation.

how sad that they did not have something to live for.

poor, poor, poor me, poor, poor, pitiful me

what is that song? It's been playing my head since i published my last entry. Linda Ronstadt maybe? too lazy to google it... anyway, it is my self proclaimed theme song this week.

a dear friend called me yesterday just to check in. we spoke a few minutes and i asked her if she had read my blog - as i figured that's why she was checking on me.
nope. she just knew i had been in a funk and was being a good friend. thank heavens for good friends!

my personal philosophy has always been that everyone is entitled to a really good pity party every now and again. wallow in it. pour the pitifuls all over you. moan and wail. beat your chest. and then get your butt up and get on with it.

the irony in my current situation is that i have been getting on with it. everything is getting done. the kids fed, clothed, brushed, homework done (most days). groceries bought. house work kept up. job work maintained. on-time for all Dr appointments and with the exception of an occasional temper tantrum/blow-up (by me) when my kids are ignoring me deliberately - externally - things look okay.

i have had episodes in the past where i have sat, stared at my hands and cried for three days straight. last year i left home for 24 hours and sat in a local hotel room and cried, wrote, read and stared at the walls. this is not that.

i just feel like my spirit is spent. all used up.

i am planning the Valentine treats my kids will take to school for their classmates. gotta make 40 something of them. Easter treats are in the planning stages as well.
I have three kids birthday parties between now and the end of March to plan and execute. am working on a special gift for my father's 70th birthday this month.

my theory is that if i keep going through the motions. if i keep doing the things that have to be done. should be done. must be done. that somehow my spirit will replenish itself. and if i am wrong - and my insides remain stale - then at least i have taken care of my family and they will be better for it.

and you know - i know i am not special. that everyone has their own demons. their own battles. but what i really want to know - the question that has been rolling around in my mind is this - Are there people out there - with average to above average intelligence - that are happy? not necessarily living in bliss all the time. but let's say 80% of the time they are content with their life situation.

do average people exist that are content with their lives the vast majority of the time? and i do believe contentment is a process - not a place - it is something that must continually be fed and watered. so are there folks out there that nurture themselves enough to maintain a relatively high level of contentment and happiness in their lives?

and if the answer is Yes - then what on God's Green Earth do they know/do/take that i don't???!!!

okay, who thinks t_cole thinks too much - raise your hand.
yeah, that's what i thought...

thanks for your comments and for caring. ignore me if you must till i get back to where i should be. and please remember - i know i am not special in the fact that i am depressed. i am one in a billion. this is just my little corner where i choose to voice it.
join me if you like. you are always welcome in my little world. the people are crazy here - but very hospitable.

my son needs a haircut

i think i am losing my mind
and then i think i have found it
and i try desperately to hold on to it - my sanity, that is.
it's like trying to store pudding in a colander

this and other meaningless banter
all rolling around in my head

i suffer from depression. and suffer is actually the appropriate word.
i started a new anti-depressant January 2005 and as it 'kicked-in' and did it's job, i felt less and less need to blog for therapy.
oh, i wrote tons of blog entries since then - all in my head. for my own purposes. they just never made it here.

at thanksgiving 2005 i released my babysitter from her employment with our family.
i have yet to hire a replacement.
which means I went through the entire holiday season without help. was the first time in four years i wrapped all my Christmas presents and put up all the decorations by myself.

about the same time i let her go, i found out i had polyps in my uterus.
in my head - for weeks - i kept repeating

i have polyps in my uterus
but i don't think it's very humorous

i was sure there was a song in there somewhere but that's as far as I ever got.

scared the living shit out out me.

on the 8th of december, i had out patient surgery. the polyps were benign and were removed.

clean bill of health - as far as female organs go...

money was tight for the holidays so i decided to make a lot of my presents. I knew getting decorations up, making, buying and wrapping gifts would be a huge ordeal as the holidays always are so early on, i just made up my mind that i would work my butt off and plow through it all. if for no other reason - for the kids.

Christmas was the last thing i wanted to do. but i kept hoping that if i faked it. if i pretended. if i went through the motions. if i did everything right that a mom of three is supposed to do - then, THEN i would have the Christmas spirit too.

and it worked briefly. the highlight of the season for me was our pageant at church. i felt 'it' there. which i guess is where you are supposed to feel the Christmas spirit so that worked out nicely.

then back to the rush rush rush. Drive 10 hours to Mississippi with two sick kids, one ILL kid, one large dog and a grumpy, exhausted hubby.

shortly after arriving my daughter accidentally broke one of the gifts i had made. it was completely an accident. it could EASILY be repaired (and was) but I lost it. i mean i COMPLETELY lost it. i screamed, cried and wailed so hard for so long i busted blood vessels under my eyes. no joke. permanent reminders of this episode.

the rest of the trip and holiday at home are somewhat of a blur. i was utterly exhausted but determined to do what i could to 'create memories' for the kids. and there were some really nice moments for the kids. we pulled that off at least.

my parents were great. my mom came back to texas with us and spent 10 days or so at my home. just having her here was a balm for my soul. (explain that b/c we have never spent such a long stretch together without one of us trying to kill the other one)

i continued to push myself. i had work to do, a house guest i wanted to take care of and three kids at home for the rest of the holidays. one kid still quite sick.

did go to a fabulous new year's eve party and mom baby sat. bonus.

but then my Mom left. kids went back to school. still no baby sitter for two (almost three) year old son at home. job work to do. house to clean. bills to pay. dishes to wash. baby sitter to hire. laundry to do. carpool to run. normal everyday stuff that normal every day people do.

and i dissolve into a puddle of worthless human flesh. all i want to do is sleep. and eat. did i mention i gained 20 pounds last year. lovely, huh?

and sleep.
and eat.

and eat.
and sleep.

so i am in a funk - not full out - as the meds prevent be from falling into the abyss. but i can tell if the meds were not in my system, i would be non-functioning. i despise this cloud in my soul feeling.

i tell my hubby. he has all but quit trying to understand me and my illness.

i tell my dad. he listens. and relates as best he can. and finally he tells me that sometimes you have to just 'dig deep' and 'push through it.' and he is right.

i talk to my mom about it. sometimes i think she understands better than anyone as i remember her (when I was a child) sometimes acting out then the way I feel on the inside now. and she does understand. and empathise. and finally she tells me that i am made of stronger stuff than this. that she and my paternal grandmother were both survivors and lived through their own hells at times - without the benefit of pharmaceuticals, i imagine.

so finally i talk to my shrink. he ups my dose of one med and writes me a new script. i am now up to three meds to help me feel 'normal.'

Shrink tells me i need to go to counseling. I start laughing at him - and then start crying. tell me something i don't know.
and when exactly, pray tell, would you like for me to go to counseling?? before or after carpool? should i schedule it after i drop my 7 (almost 8) year old daughter off with her counselor? or perhaps I can squeeze it in b/t laundry and the dishes. and do ya think they'd mind if i bring my two year old son with me since i can't seem to find a baby sitter to hire?

speaking of which,
my son really needs a haircut.