sinking

crystal blue water
the surface above me
ripples moving
rhythmically with the wind

perfectly measured and matched

.

reaching for the surface

my fingers sweep and break through

.

then sinking

.

pulling hard

to reach the surface

.

again

.

prisms of air

life

- my life -

dancing away to the surface

.

my breath

leaving my body

.

involuntarily

at first

.

silent tears flow

mixing with the salt of the sea

.

kicking my feet against the pull from below

my legs are heavy

.

tired

.

screaming out

there is no sound

.

just more air

floating up

above me

.

still sinking

the peaceful life sustaining surface

moving further away

.

reaching out

.

pulling for it

.

the light from above is starting to fade

.

my lungs are empty now

tight

.

can't breath

.

needing to breath

.

can't decide if i want to

.

the dark is absorbing

the light is gone

.

almost peaceful here

.

and at the same time terrifying

why i would never commit suicide...

1. the most important reason i would never commit suicide is my family - specifically my kids. i could not leave them with that legacy. i'd rather them raised by a "kooky" mom than left by one unable to handle life and therefore ended hers.
2. i am a ninny. pain scares me.
3. i am afraid i would burn in hell for eternity
4. don't want my husband to get the life insurance money. not because i don't love him or anything but i have no doubt that while my body rots in the ground he'd go out and buy a brand new red dodge viper. and i'd have to come back and haunt his ass. And at the very least - when i am dead, i want to rest - not have to get up and chase him around (in order to haunt him) in his sexy new little sports car.
5. i have to know how this season of 24 will end
6. have not been to scotland yet
7. even though i have my own personal set of demons i deal with on a regular basis and they make me flat out batty sometimes, i love life. i love living. i love not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

Richard Jenni, comedian, shot and killed himself yesterday in West Hollywood. He's the guy that did the private engagement for my company's conference last year in Vegas. He brought the house down. He's the one I got to meet backstage with our CEO after the show. He's the guy that seemed so sincere and upbeat and glad to meet us in order to make sure he had done a great job for our company.

he obviously had his own demons.

you never really know when you meet someone what their demons may be.

i have demons.

you never really know if the people you deal with every day consider suicide as a way out.

everyday.

i consider it.

would never, EVER do it. for the reasons listed above and a thousand more.

but i still consider it. i relate - in a very twisted sort of way - to the people who actually do it. i do not extol their actions or wish to follow in their footsteps. i simply relate to the emotion that got them to the point of complete and utter desperation.

how sad that they did not have something to live for.