poor, poor, poor me, poor, poor, pitiful me

what is that song? It's been playing my head since i published my last entry. Linda Ronstadt maybe? too lazy to google it... anyway, it is my self proclaimed theme song this week.

a dear friend called me yesterday just to check in. we spoke a few minutes and i asked her if she had read my blog - as i figured that's why she was checking on me.
nope. she just knew i had been in a funk and was being a good friend. thank heavens for good friends!

my personal philosophy has always been that everyone is entitled to a really good pity party every now and again. wallow in it. pour the pitifuls all over you. moan and wail. beat your chest. and then get your butt up and get on with it.

the irony in my current situation is that i have been getting on with it. everything is getting done. the kids fed, clothed, brushed, homework done (most days). groceries bought. house work kept up. job work maintained. on-time for all Dr appointments and with the exception of an occasional temper tantrum/blow-up (by me) when my kids are ignoring me deliberately - externally - things look okay.

i have had episodes in the past where i have sat, stared at my hands and cried for three days straight. last year i left home for 24 hours and sat in a local hotel room and cried, wrote, read and stared at the walls. this is not that.

i just feel like my spirit is spent. all used up.

i am planning the Valentine treats my kids will take to school for their classmates. gotta make 40 something of them. Easter treats are in the planning stages as well.
I have three kids birthday parties between now and the end of March to plan and execute. am working on a special gift for my father's 70th birthday this month.

my theory is that if i keep going through the motions. if i keep doing the things that have to be done. should be done. must be done. that somehow my spirit will replenish itself. and if i am wrong - and my insides remain stale - then at least i have taken care of my family and they will be better for it.

and you know - i know i am not special. that everyone has their own demons. their own battles. but what i really want to know - the question that has been rolling around in my mind is this - Are there people out there - with average to above average intelligence - that are happy? not necessarily living in bliss all the time. but let's say 80% of the time they are content with their life situation.

do average people exist that are content with their lives the vast majority of the time? and i do believe contentment is a process - not a place - it is something that must continually be fed and watered. so are there folks out there that nurture themselves enough to maintain a relatively high level of contentment and happiness in their lives?

and if the answer is Yes - then what on God's Green Earth do they know/do/take that i don't???!!!

okay, who thinks t_cole thinks too much - raise your hand.
yeah, that's what i thought...

thanks for your comments and for caring. ignore me if you must till i get back to where i should be. and please remember - i know i am not special in the fact that i am depressed. i am one in a billion. this is just my little corner where i choose to voice it.
join me if you like. you are always welcome in my little world. the people are crazy here - but very hospitable.