Friday, March 06, 2009

taking care of second base

Been under a HUGE amount of stress lately - and not the good kind.

So you can imagine my amusement on Tuesday of this week when I discovered a lump in my right breast. which, I might add, is a small miracle in itself. I could have a Mini Coop in my boobs and not notice it on most days. (If you've ever met my chest, you understand)

So i phoned my OB/GYN Wednesday morning and she worked me in that afternoon.

And can you go in and just have them check your boobies???

NOOOOOO, you gotta have the oil checked too - far and away one of my least favorite activities.

And when did they start asking you to squeeze their fingers? I'm like "Okay, am I squeezing now?"

so she sends me for a diagnostic mammogram. That just means if they find anything with the regular mammogram, they can take you in the next room and do a sonogram right then.

Had my mammys grammed this morning. And Oh Boy was that fun.
Seriously, who wouldn't enjoy having their boobies smashed until they were 16 inches across. I am not kidding - i looked. the glass is calibrated. 16 inches wide 2 inches thick.

And I know why they mush them so tight - so you can't escape and KILL the technician when she tells you to inhale and hold it. Talk about wanting to Reach Out And Touch Someone! You are so relieved when she hits the Release button you forget about wanting to KILL her. Until she hits the SMASH button again. Vicious, nasty cycle.

So she finishes the smashing part and takes me to a private waiting room while the radiologist reads the films. She says that if he sees anything, they will do the sonogram.

So I'm sitting in there mumbling Please Don't Find Anything. Please Don't Find Anything.

And apparently they do. Find something.Cause I am off to the sonogram room.

And the same technician is in there that did my hystosonogram three years ago. She found polyps in my uterus. I take this as a sign.

So she tells me to lay on the bed. I do. and of course previously smashed boobies sag into the armpit. Some women compare their post nursing boobs to sports socks with tennis balls in them. I have stretched out shower caps with cantaloupes in them. And when i lay on my back, the melon is in the pits.

I have to lie on my left side so she can do the sonogram in the right place.
Sonogram shows nothing. Nada!
I show her where the lump is. Still nothing.

I'm like, "what the heck???!!!"
she then tells me that the radiologist on duty ALWAYS has the sonogram done on diagnostic mammograms. Alrighty then. (audible exhale)

So she finds nothing and then tells me she is going to show the results to the radiologist and he will come talk to me.

Okay - some strange guy is going to check out second base now. Not that this has never happened before, but it's been awhile and I wasn't prepared for this today. Seriously, I would have worn lipstick if I'd known boys were invited to the party.

As I am contemplating my lack of cosmetics, Mr. Radiologist walks in. Introduces himself and proceeds to feel me up with the sonogram wand.
I am thinking he just wanted to see the chick welding the 16 inch wide tatas.

He tells me - And I Quote, "You have fantastic breasts

I have been told many things by many men over the years about my breasts; this is a first. I have fantastic breast tissue!?!?!?!?!

He continues to explain that there are four types of breast tissue going from dense to not dense. in the case of a mammogram, not dense is best for seeing foreign objects. So what he was really saying that my boobs are see through - or something like that...

So he tells me I am free to go - no worries. Oh, but do follow up with the Breast Specialist. Seriously, they have breast specialist? I know oh so many men that would LOVE to sign up for that gig.

So girls - go get your girls checked out.
It ain't a lick of fun - but it's good for you!


buddha_girl said...

The least they could have done is warn you about slapping on a little gloss before the boy walked in. The compliment about your tissue being just GREAT would have felt a lot better had your lips been pursed and glossy.

***I'm so glad this turn out ok. I hate going for my boob smasher appointments. Breast cancer's made an appearance in my family already.***

Reg said...

I'm psyched that everything worked out! And you got a little action too! Sweet!

I hope your stress levels become more managable. Keep you chin up even if your boobs are heading south (like mine)!

Catizhere said...

Yay for you and your Fantastic Breast Tissue!!

I go back for my squishing in July. The last time I had to have the sonogram, too. After the 1st round of pictures, they wanted to "check another spot" a few more squishes with my decorative bb's taped to my nips, I was sent to wait in the ULS room. Tech comes in, wands me, and leaves. She comes back in & says, "O.K. it's nothing. You can go."

Wien. said...

It would have been really nice if you had been told while in the first torture chamber that they were going to automatically send you to the second one. Waiting in that room chanting, Please don't find torture in itself.

I've been there.

If they would have told you that was normal procedure that would have done wonders for your blood pressure and stress level right there.

I'm glad you tatas are see though and healthy.

Your writing gave me such wonderful visuals. I'd love to have tube socks with tennis balls inside. I've got anklets with sand in the toes.

I think I make nearly 7" in the squisher. I wish the rest of my body matched the size of my boobies...

Glad your blog had a happy ending.

Wien. said...

Oh and another thing, why can't women go straight to the breast specialist from the get go? If there's a lump in there, why make women go through the stress of starting a the bottom rung of the ladder? Go to the top, get it done and move on with life. The stress of climbing that ladder, one test/scan/smasher at a time is enough to kill anyone right there.

And you'd be ready with the lip gloss.

Big Pissy said...

I'm so, SO glad you're ok! *whew*

Not Fainthearted said...

Thank God. I'm so glad that this turned out to be nothing. of course the road to "nothing" is filled with smashing and wanding. Such is the way of things, I guess.


cadbury_vw said...

i know it's a serioustopic, but i nearly peed myself laughing at this post