I HATE SATURDAYS!

and how.
you know why, right - there's no SCHOOL!

and hubby has new job that requires him to work on Saturdays.
so it's me against the three.

and today i had to run errands. Mall - new school shoes for both girls - at lunch time - had to eat where they could watch the ice skating rink. brother strapped into stroller. do NOT let him out since i lost him that time at Nordstrom's Rack. He doesn't like it but seems to understand and accept his fate.

and then WalMart. I effing HATE WalMart. but with the kids - i could make ONE stop and get everything i needed. which is immensely better than three or four stops. trust me on this.

and i have IBS (look it up). and it hit me about 7 minutes b/f we got to walmart. so here i am. having to find a parking place - in a 10 acre lot, get three small kids unbuckled, shepherded and not run over into the store without arguing or forgetting anyone and me to the bathroom before my guts erupted all over... well... everything. Thankfully we made it. to the bathroom. My kids wallered around on the floor in the bathroom at walmart waiting for my spell to pass. Yes, i hosed them off and sprayed them with Lysol when i got them home.

and then the shopping adventure began. before it was over, i had brother strapped into the buggy and both girls assigned to their own side of the cart. they were not to look at each other, talk to each other, think about each other or so much as utter a sound that the other one could hear. I don't think there are two creatures on this earth that can annoy and antagonize each other more effectively and completely than my two daughters. in fact, i think they enjoy watching my eyes roll all the way back in my head, steam come out my ears and the HUGE self restraint I must exhibit in public when i don't beat the living S.H.I.T out of them for fear some do-gooder will call CPS on my arse.

I tell ya what, there are days when i'd PAY CPS to take these precious little darlings off my hands. they'd bring them right back in less than 12 hours. i am certain.

and you know - i was thinking today - if you hadn't always read my blog and didn't have a clue as to the type of Mom I really am and how i bend over backwards for my kids and this is just a phase - whereby they are driving me batty - one might wonder why i even had kids to be begin with...

So i thought I should come up with a list of why i had kids to begin with.

1. to prove i could do it. yep, wanted to make sure the female body was in working order as explained to me in BIO 101. it is. of course this does NOT explain why i had to prove it THREE times.

2. to have someone to take care of me in my old age. and i now know there's no chance in hell that any of these little rug rats will do that.

3. to appease my mother

4. to please my father

5. because i have always ALWAYS been the 'Mother Hen' of all my friends and it felt like a natural progression to have my own baby chicks.

6. i LOVE Pottery Barn Kids

7. because i LOVED weighing 700 pounds and not being able to sleep for 3 months straight. no. wait. that's why i didn't want to have kids. scratch that.

8. so i could dress them in all those cutesy little pink and blue outfits with the matching hats, bibs, socks and blankets. OMG are those little sets darling. Have a baby - invite me to your shower - you will get a matching set guaranteed.

9. to have someone to boss around. we all know what a control freak i am. how much more fun could you have - as a CF - than to be in control of three little lives.

and the top 10 reason why I had kids....

10. to produce and endless supply of wonder, excitement, love, challenge, sloppy kisses, neck hugs, squeezes (with grunts), mud pies, weed flower bouquets, boo boos to doctor, eyes to wipe, hearts to mend, lessons to teach, lesson to be learned, shoes to tie, clothes to wash, diapers to change, books to read, nights to worry and more joy than i even knew was possible in one person's heart. mine.

my girls are at the stage where they ask me if i love them. i tell them i love them more than i ever knew i could love a living creature.

my son is at the stage where he walks up to me unannounced and says "i wuv you."

i respond by asking him - "oh son, would you like the sun, the moon or the stars? oh here, darling - just have them all ."

i got two words for ya

B O A R D I N G S C H O O L

this week has been so utterly delicious with my girls back in school - 'cept for the part where they come home in the afternoons - oh, and the part where i have to get up at 5:45AM to get the little darlings dressed, fed, brushed and lunches packed - it has been so wonderful and my sanity is so close to returning - i am thinking boarding school might be the answer to all that ails me.

did you know that kindergarten has HOMEWORK? oh yes they do! OMG!

i'm only kidding about the boarding school. okay, i'm only half way kidding. alright, alright, i googled "boarding school austria" earlier today. they are not accepting precocious five year olds at the moment but i put her on the waiting list. oh, yes i did.

on a serious note, i met with sam's principal and teacher today. she is doing "fine" and i have been instructed to "quit worrying." okay. i'll try. but you'd make more progress converting billy graham to catholicism than to stop me from worrying. WHAT?! it's the truth. i am a mother. i worry. it's what we do.

and about my son. my perfect, precious son - the one who walks aroung 24/7 with his hand down the front of his diaper...
Yesterday i get him up from his nap. he is soaking wet. too much output for the diaper device.

so i say to him jokingly "SON! SOMEONE peed in your diaper!" he grins.
"Who peed in your diaper?!?" i ask.

His response - "Someone."

he's two - did i mention that? and perfect.

See for yourself ====>>>>>>

i guess i am back. school is in. life is good. i hate homework as much now as i did when i was the student. at least NOW i can threaten to write the teacher a note and tell her that daughter would not willingly participate in the homework process. THAT gets their attention.

for now...

schoool days...

i figured out why the past three months of my life have been utter, complete and total HELL.
My girls were out of SCHOOL. Duh, t_cole...

So now they are back in school. Life is good...
Really good!
GREAT!
Fabulous even!

for those of you who are more 'visual' - the following kinda sums up my life for the past three months...

The Woman Formally Known As Moma

Official Announcement.......

I shall no long be known by or answer to the name of Moma.

You may call me any dang thing you wish.

but not Moma. I will not hear you.

we clear?

good.

put down the gun and clean your room

During my first pregnancy, I had every expectation that the child growing inside my body would be perfect. When I held that baby girl in my arms for the first time, I again divined perfection. Ok, so maybe not perfection, but perhaps normalcy. I suspect very few mothers give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby and anticipate the worst. I certainly didn’t.

I have spent much of the past 6 years mourning the loss of my anticipated perfection. MY loss and HER loss of normalcy. And we are so far away from worst case scenario with our daughter. Nowhere near worst case possibilities. But still, there is that acute awareness of loss and grief that sometimes sneaks up on me. When I am washing dishes. Putting her to bed. Folding clothes. I wonder – “what would my life – my family - be like if all three of my kids were ‘typical’ kids”

Sam is 7. we knew at two years of age there was a speech delay - apraxia. At about 5 years, we learned there was ADHD and Dyslexia. And we knew, still yet, there was something else. Something yet to be determined. And in April of this year, we learned that the unknown does have a name. Thy name is bipolar disorder. Once called manic depressive. I am not getting into the nitty gritty of the disease. If you read blogs – you know how to Google.

We have friends, some family even, that think the diagnosis is bunk. That she is just a high maintenance child. These people have not witnessed one of her rages – which are typical of bipolar children. We had one this past weekend that rocked our world. It took me and hubby to physically restrain her. My dear friend from Miss. was here visiting – she’s an ER nurse. She says to me in the middle of this rage – “tcole, she is psychotic”
Ever had a medical professional say that to you about your child? No, I didn’t think so.

Long miserable story short – we now have her in intensive outpatient treatment. We have changed her meds – for the second time since April. she is being tested - psychological testing stuff.

me. (it's always about me, remember) i am exhausted. mentally, physically, spiritually. i can't say i am defeated, because I AM NOT. but i do feel like i have been beat with a baseball bat about the head for a week or two. prolly look like it too and DO NOT even care.

for those of you requesting i return to blogging - you may wish you had kept your mouths shut. i don't have a lot of fun stuff to share right now.

my life has been an emotional battleground for the past four months with my family as the casualties.

but on the upside, about the title of this post - which does make me smile, btw...

last night, i overheard my hubby say this to out middle daughter. "Honey, put down the gun and clean your room." I stopped in my tracks. did not breath. what an absurd thing to say to a five year old, i thought to myself. and then i remembered, she was playing with her brother's water pistol.

AUDIBLE EXHALE...

26 years later

NOTE: i wrote the vast majority of this post weeks ago - right after i returned from vacation. due to circumstance and emotion, i am just now finding the wherewithal to publish it. your patience is greatly appreciated.

26 years later....
and the little girl in me remembers telling him good bye in my parents' kitchen and wondering when or if i would ever see him again. thinking then, even as child, that i likely would not.

and last week - there we stood in the exact same kitchen - with our spouses, my children and it was so overwhelming emotionally i thought i might suffocate. yes, the little girl in me still has a great deal of puppy love for the little boy in him.

and now - as a grown woman relating to a grown man, i adore him. i respect him. i admire the hell out of him. i love him as one life-long friend loves another. (and i find it very hard right at this moment in time to write about this without tearing up.)

it was an amazing reunion on so many levels.

when we pulled up to my parents house last week, he and his wife were already there. my childhood sweetheart (CS) was in the front yard with my daddy. i could see his face. tense. taunt. nervous. anxious.

i did not assume this was about seeing me - but from being back in the place where the abuse of his childhood began. of breathing the same air. standing on the same soil, again. i hugged his lovely wife. my mom and dad and then worked over to him. he was so serious. "hi t_cole" and then BAM - the biggest, bestest bear hug i've had in a long, long time.

i knew he wanted to be there. i knew he had been so HUGELY excited about making the trip. but i also knew how hard it would be for him. i just wanted to be there for him as he made this emotional journey. to support and buoy him. it was a vacation but it was also therapy - for ALL of us. i was really anxious myself - about how to accomplish this - be there for CS - while at the same time not allowing an environment that would make my hubby or his wife (CSW) uncomfortable.

i did not wish to distance myself from my hubby nor did i wish to impose myself between CS and CSW. i expected a challenge in accomplishing this goal. no such challenge ever surfaced. the relationship that evolved between the two couples was nothing less than wonderful.

at the end of the week, my hubby paid CSW the highest compliment ever. i asked him if he had enjoyed spending time with them. i got a quick 'yes' answer. he said "i really liked CSW - she's like a Canadian t_cole." not a nicer thing could have been spoken...

his wife and i hit it off HUGELY. the more we talked and laughed and got to know each other, the more we found we had in common. the more i loved her. and appreciated her. if she's like me - then i LOVE being like her!

by the end of the week, when it was time for them to leave - i could hardly speak. i couldn't even say good bye when we hugged. but a noticeable transformation had taken place in CS. he was no longer tense and anxious. he was relaxed. calm. peaceful, even.

it was a good trip. a good week. a once in a life time experience.

KC told me recently that i appear to have led a charmed life. i have reflected on her comment a great deal over several weeks. and while there have been times i would contradict her assertion, the evidence is just too overwhelming.

me. my life. charmed, indeed.

post note - i have tried three different times today to add pictures to this post with no success...

dear diary

i've been something of a bad girl. i have not been keeping up with my blog. as a result, i have lost touch with some folks i have come to know, love and adore!

that and i have gotten some emails from friends and family wanting to know if i am okay and where the #(*&$@^! are the pictures i promised in my last entry.

so diary, i just want you to know that i am okay. not great. not bad. but pretty okay. i think the post-vacation-let-down from my phenom trip with my friends from canada was greater than i expected. i think having the kids home all summer has about pushed me over the brink into the abyss of insanity from whence there is no return.

we have worked with sam's meds all summer and still have not got them right.

my journey in life continues. i WILL get pictures out here this week. i swear on what's left of my right mind.

i do have stories to tell. incidents to share. for example - my two year old son said just this week - for the first time ever - "I WUV YOU MOMMY!" talk about melt. oh my.

the kids go back to school soon. praise the lord.

and i will be back.

i miss you too
t