the scars of childhood are forever scars

no.
i don't want this to be a downer entry.
but it will be a truthful one.
and the truth is this - scars you acquire in your childhood are yours till the day you die.
as with most scars, they fade and are seldom painful.
and thankfully, this is my reality - small faded painless scars.

i have shared with you the wonder i have experienced in reconnecting with my childhood sweetheart. what i have not told you is how unbelievably overwhelming it has been emotionally. the first week - every time i spoke with him, IM'd or even wrote him emails, i sobbed. one night i cried for an hour after we signed off. the deep emotions and strong feelings i found myself awash in rocked my world in a way i had not anticipated.

and i told him this. and i told him i wasn't sure of the WHY of these emotions.

thus began the self exploration.
Why? Why? Why?
Where in the blue blazes did this come from?
i entertained the thought that maybe, subliminally, i did want to reconnect with him in a romantic way.
could that be it? t'would be the obvious explanation. unrealistic - but obvious. and i am an admitted hopeless romantic so i won't lie to you, i gave this specific possibility a great deal of thought. parsed it out. did the 'what if's' and finally came to the conclusion that no, somehow, i knew this wasn't driving the tidal wave of emotions i was riding.
which made it all the more perplexing...

so one night last week. couldn't sleep. lying in bed. started down this path again in my mind. the WHY?!
and in a flash, it came to me. the following is an exerpt from an email i wrote to my sweetheart that night...

while the pain of my youth cannot hold a candle to what your stepmonster did to you and your brother, i did have hurt in my growing up. i was not the skinny kid. i was outspoken. loud. obnoxious even. i did my part in making myself a target. and some of the names we ran through tonight - 'butthole', 'creep-o-la"- they did their part in making
my teens a living hell - as well they could anyway. i had (have) a very low self esteem (that i try very hard to hide) and it stems from those years when i was made to feel completely unworthy. i felt like no one (no boys/men anyway) liked me. or could like me. or ever would like me.

in any event, when you and i first talked this time and you told me that in your 11 year old mind - you thought this is what love must be. and you told me that i was part of the good you remembered. and you tell me that you remember so much of the same wonderful things i do. well, for the first time in my adult life, i feel like i was loved and was worthy as a young girl. to a young boy. as i remind you that your childhood wasn't all bad - you prove to me the same. in as far as my relationships go.

i wondered for years if i had imagined the things that happened with you and me. wondered if it was a one-sided infatuation on my part.
you didn't write when you left - and while i know why - it was so painful to be left behind like that. and while these emotions i have are relevant to us - as friends - they are more important to me - as a woman - trying to piece together my heart. you have validated me in a way i didn't even know i needed. you have reached in and healed a place in my soul i wasn't even aware was still hurting.
but it was - and deeply.

so i think this is a big part of why i so overwhelmed by my feelings for you.

validation and acceptance are so powerful. and you have given these to me.

~audible sigh when he agreed completely with my assessment~

so now, i aspire to give to him as much as he has given me - emotionally.
and he says i have. that i do.

and for you to understand, you have to know something about his childhood scars.
like mine they are his for the rest of his life.
unlike mine, his are not near as faded and painless.

my sweetheart was severely abused as a child.

i saw the effects of this abuse first hand.
i clearly remember the fear and hurt and anger in his face.
i now see the effects of that abuse as a adult.
i don't know which is worse -being helpless as a child to stop it or feeling helpless as an adult to fix it.

and while i know that i cannot do anything to mend this for him - i would walk on broken glass if it would help him reconcile his spirit. to make peace with the past. to find acceptance of himself.

i tell him - often - how wonderful he is. how kind. gentle. loving. caring. generous. genuine. WORTHY. capable. brilliant. awesome. et al. and while i know only he can facilitate his healing - i still plan to do everything i can to be louder and more believable than the voice in his head telling him just the opposite. the voice that often sounds like his stepmonster.

and one day, i wish for him . . .
for his scars to fade away to nothing and never, EVER bring him pain again.