i know i know i know

i know it is past time for me to pick my lousy butt up and move on.
to stop feeling sorry for my pitiful self and make some decisions and get on with my fantastic life. i know.

but i just can't seem to get moving. unless you count sliding down hill.
that seems to be the only motion i got going nowadays.

this morning i got my meds and my daughter's meds out of a Ziploc bag. we almost match pill for pill.
her adhd and bipolar and allergy pills.
my depression, anxiety, bipolar depression and allergy pills.
at least it is all in the family.
how pathetic is that... don't answer that. do not do it.

i have now been without a full time baby sitter/housekeeper since Thanksgiving weekend. My parents helped this past month and if they had not, i would be in the loony bin at this moment.

my in-laws help EVERY week. God Bless Them!

i have advertised in the local papers, on Craig's List, taken fliers to churches and schools. nothing. nada. zippo. i am beginning to think my ex-babysitter has black balled me in my little country community. (not really)

i am currently considering applying for an au pair. a young woman from another country that comes and lives with you in your home for a year, helps with your kids and attends a local college for 6 credit hours a year. Been looking at a couple different au pair agencies.

anyone out there got any experience with these programs? know anyone that does? looking for some first hand references from families that have done this. sure would appreciate any feedback you have on this idea.

in the mean time - whilst i await your enlightened direction - methinks i shall continue my current endeavors.

Eat

Drink

Sleep

white noise

there are moments, days even when i feel like screaming.
as loud as i can.
for as long as i can.
scream until i am empty.
void of air. of thought. of anger. of hurt. of confusion.
empty of responsibilities. of commitments. of guilt.
free of everything pulling me down into this pit i find myself sinking into.

just scream till it is all gone.

expelling all theses impurities from my system appeals to me on a very feral level.

as self preservation.

as a way to fight back against the world pushing down on me.
similar to how any animal will fight back when pushed into a corner.
this is how i feel - like i need to claw my way out of this corner.

and to start, all i want to do is

SCREAM!

did you say something

so i have three kids.
sam. the oldest. just turned 8. special needs.
gets a TON of attention from Mom and Dad.

smith. the youngest. the baby. the only boy.
gets a TON of attention from Mom and Dad.

savvy. the middle child. the drama queen.
with a serious MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME ACT going on.
ALSO gets a TON of attention from Mom and Dad.

but you'd never know it the way she carries on.
"you've been with him allllll day. it's my turn to have you."
"you think she's prettier than I am."
"she got to go last time. I never get to goooooo"

so here's my theory. I think she thinks she can compensate for this non-existent disparity of parental attention by being the LOUDEST person in the house. OMG this child is loud. she is sooo loud. i can't begin to tell you how loud she is. did i mention that she is loud???

so my mom is visiting. savvy is on one of her tirades. i turn to my mom...
"Mother, honestly, was i that loud when i was a kid?"

my mother replies with all sincerity. "Honestly, t_cole, you are that loud now!"

c'est la vie...

is it friday yet?

Diddy has gone home to Mississippi.
yesterday.
i am so sad.
i would never have lived through the past week if he had not been here to help me. for every inch of poop i got on me, he got two inches. for every time i was puked on, he got it twice. And he was always the clean up crew. always. he would send me off to tend to my sick son - get him cleaned up and calmed down while he stripped the beds, started the laundry and mopped the floors. he woke up with me every time we heard smith cry. he slept sitting up in the hospital chair when there was a perfectly good empty bed 10 feet away.

he went to have lunch at school with middle child. He picked her up every day he could so she would not have to ride the school bus home. And of course stopped on the way home so she could pick out a snack (CANDY) for the 4.5 minute drive home.

he cooked bacon for my girls every single morning he was here. i NEVER cook bacon so that is a huge treat for them.

he read/listened to Sam read the same box of beginner books no less than 50 times. he finally asked me for different books because he feared Sam had memorized this group.

i know the vast majority of us love our dads. and i am not saying mine is perfect - but I would put my dad up against any dad for "Father of the Year." i just love him. i don't even have the words to thank him.

My Mom is here now. for a few days. and it's a whole new ball game. She says Smith looks worse than she anticipated. i tried to warn her.

He is eating more. and wants more to eat. i am still trying to go slow with him. i desperately want him to keep every morsel he puts in his mouth. cannot afford to go backwards again with this.

btw, did you see the recall for Peter Pan peanut butter yesterday. CDC says it has caused salmonella poisonings. i have an open jar in my pantry that matches the recall code.
yes, i have called them.

two most dreaded words in my vocabulary

used to be Summer Break.

they now are

STOOL SAMPLE.

will stop there.
i feel no need for elaboration.


son is better. but not out of the woods. he has lost more weight. he is still weak. not playing or anything, just naps and watching TV.
the good news is that he likes me to nap with him.
"Moma, SLEEP!" he tells me.
Who am I to argue???
so it's nap time.

ciao bella...

not over. but better

am home now. son in his own bed - until i go to bed and i will tuck him in beside me.
he is weak
fragile
emaciated
tired
and one hell of a little fighter.

he is living on berry Gatorade, bananas, nilla wafers and cheerios.
his tummy can handle those.
his abdomen did swell up again last night. not quite as bad - but enough to scare me.
soaked him in a hot bath
rubbed his tummy as much as he would let me
gave him Mylicon drops.
after many toots of the deadly gaseous kind and several runny diapers, the swelling subsided enough so he could sleep.
he has not vomited since the early hours of Monday.
can't say the same for the bottom half of the illness. diaper changes involve baths.
and a load of dirty clothes.

he was so sick in the hospitals. but had enough energy to fight back every time someone in uniform entered the room. at not quite three, he had his own demands - "Go Away!" "Don't touch me!" "Let me go!" "Don't do that!" and his most favorite "NO!!"

so here we are. at home. finally making some progress toward recovery.

i am so far beyond exhausted. i keep waiting for the brick wall to fall on me. to crash.
when they are that sick, you don't really sleep. you close your eyes. your mind slows. but your ears hear every breath. every groan and each moan. the gurgles in his gut. you feel every movement he makes. so while it looks like sleep, it is not. nor is it rest.
people have asked me how i have been doing. and i reply that i feel fine. and i have. felt fine. but the sinking is starting. the fatigue and mental exhaustion creeping into the seams of my mother armor.

time to rest.
sort of...

there are times i do not wish to be right

it is infrequent. that i do not enjoy being right. but it does happen.
i had hoped as i ranted and raved here last night that i was wrong.
that the Dr that sent my son home was right.
that he would be okay. that the worst was over.
i was not wrong.
i was entirely too right.

1AM awake to him screaming. his tummy hurts.
i reach for the meds they sent home with me for his tummy muscle spasms.
he refuses to take it.
my dad comes in to check on us.
my hand slides down to son's tummy
it is distended. swollen. grossly exaggerated beyond it's normal bounds.
it is the worst feeling human body i have ever felt beneath my fingers.
it is my son.
his emaciated body now has a tummy tighter and more bloated than an overinflated basketball.
my daddy feels it. i see the fear on his face mirroring that in my gut.
he wakes my mother in law. we throw on clothes. i grab my purse. son is screaming.
jump in the van and daddy drives like a maniac to the nearest ER - 3 minutes away.
my son's guts let loose on the way. he is soiled through when we get there.
this is the only time in any of my children's lives they have ridden in a vehicle on a public road without a child safety seat. EVER.
i held him tightly in my arms.

i jump out at the ER doors. run in with son in arms like a crazy woman.
i remember some woman telling me to fill out a form
i remember looking at her like she was mad.
the triage nurse took me by the arm and guided me and screaming son back to a quiet room
his insides are still spilling out the bottom. before long, out the top too.
they started another IV.
i blurt out the week's history.
i clean up my son. i clean up myself - as best i can. my daddy is there every step of the way.
call hubby and wake him up at home. ( i was spending night at in-law's)
ER doc comes back and tells me they have called OTHER large children's hospital in dallas and they are coming to get us.
by ambulance.
highlight of my sick sick son's week was riding in the ambulance. i kid you not.
so we spent from 2:30-ish AM till 2:30-ish PM in the ER under observation and having every conceivable test run on our son.
diagnosis - tummy ache.
severe case of gastroenteritis.
every thing else ruled out.
nothing new.
but i finally got a doc with some experience and real life advice that would listen to me.
he offered to admit us and allow us to stay overnight. he said all they would do is observe. no need for meds. no need for IV. we could do that at home where 3 in 4 people do NOT have the flu.
we went home.
am at the in-law's again tonight.
3 minutes from the nearest ER.
He awoke a few minutes ago - his tummy tight.
i am not freaking out.
just trying to help him toot.
ha
he is resting again.
bottom up in the air.
aroma is choking - to say the least.

I've said it before - I'll say it again

DO NOT MESS WITH A MOTHER WITH A SICK CHILD...

I swear to all that is holy and legal...

Pediatrician admitted son to LARGE well known Children's Hospital in Dallas yesterday b/c of the downward change in his blood counts since Wednesday's blood test.

so he got IV fluids and monitoring for 24 hours.
This morning his blood was "like normal" so they sent us home.

he went 24+ hours total without peeing. 12+ hours BEFORE the IV. AND 12 MORE hours AFTER they started the IV - he finally peed.
"Oh, he's not dehydrated - he's crying tears." BULLSHIT!

So today when they decided they would send us home - i resisted. he had not eaten or drank anything. so the NP decided we'd wait and see how the day evolved. She turned off his IV. Then the aide came to take out his IV. I said - OH NO. Not till I see the Dr.

So he asks for a hamburger. I ordered him a burger and fries. He ate half of it. ate half a yogurt cup. drank about 5 oz water. They sent him home. Dr all but insisted. i caved.

something about his blood work being so much better. normal.

allow me to get this out of my system right here and now so i will not go ballistic tomorrow when they admit him back to the hospital.

THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR MOTHER'S INTUITION! ESPECIALLY A MOTHER THAT IS NOT 18 YEARS OLD WITH HER FIRST CHILD. I AM NOT AN ALARMIST MOTHER. TRULY, I AM NOT. I AM HOWEVER, EDUCATED. WELL READ AND THIS IS MY THIRD CHILD. I KNOW WHAT THE HECK I AM TALKING ABOUT WHEN I TELL YOU MY CHILD IS STILL VERY SICK. I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ARSE WHAT THE BLOOD WORK SAYS.

there, i feel better.

why so pissed t-cole?
why, you ask?

hmmmm....

could it have anything to do with the fact that he PROJECTILE vomited everything he ate and drank today in my van on the way home for the VERY LARGE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL IN DALLAS? Van be damned - could care less about that. But the sight of my child with vomit FLYING from his mouth, dripping out his nose and tears running down his face with sheer fear in his eyes makes me FEROCIOUSLY MAD!

Must go. He is resting and I am not allowed to get very far from him.
will keep you updated as i can

bodily fluids

DISCLAIMER:
If discourse on puke, poop and/or the combination of the two make you ill, DO NOT READ ON. i'm serious. i am in a no-holds-barred kind of mood.
If discussions on self pity and pathetic Mommy whining turn you off, this is my blob, i mean blog - go away - come back later.

two of my three kids have been sick. One, Sam has run a low grade fever for TWO WEEKS. which means NO SCHOOL. and she is my special needs child. with behaviour issues. and in case i have not mentioned it before (a thousand times) - a fever makes her meaner than a two headed snake with one frog. OMG!!!

we think she has sinus infection. Ear, Nose and Throat Dr tells us to irrigate her sinuses. YOU irrigate her sinuses lady. not me. been there. done that, got the bite marks and bruises to prove it. was going to take her into the office yesterday so they could flush and suck out her sinuses. now doesn't that sound like fun??? but she woke up puking and we decided to put it off till Monday. who ever thought puking would be a really good thing? at least for her.

two, my son, smith has had rota virus. a gastrointestinal disturbance of epic proportions. this basically means that any - and I DO MEAN ANY - fluids or solids you get into him will come out of him - one way or another - by force - immediately, in most cases.

get this - apple juice in the mouth - a sippy cup full. within 30 minutes or less - it has come out the bottom. i have only seen this once before. when i was a little girl and we got those dolls that actually 'drank' bottles and the 'waste' came out the bottom within seconds. yeah, it was just like that.

i have been puked on. peed on. pooped on - once up my sleeve when i was changing him. it got so bad that i would change his diapers and wrap a towel around him so when he did 'go' AGAIN and it dripped out his diaper i wouldn't get as much on me.

my hands are chapped from continuous, frequent and vigorous washings.

every sheet and towel in my house has been washed at least twice this week. and i have a butt-load of sheets and towels.

even spent six hours at the ER on Wednesday to get him IV fluids. As he sat on my lap during triage, i tell the nurse he is lethargic. "Oh this is not lethargic." she says condescendingly. I think to myself - "Lady, he is not holler'n and swinging from the curtains as he usually does. TRUST ME, THIS is lethargic for my child." He literally did not allow me to put him down for three days. yes, i took baths with him and went to the potty with him on my lap. adds new meaning to Mommyitus.

he awoke mean and hungry this morning. always a good sign. but i swear to you he has lost at least 5 pounds - and that's a lot for a three year old that weighs 32 pounds or so... he resembles a child you might see on the Feed The Children posters. and he is weak. he looks like a drunk man when he walks. wobbling from side to side.

but he ate applesauce this morning and few nibbles of crackers and some pedialite. and so far has kept it all.

the pediatrician called (I love this woman!) and she wants to see him this afternoon. so off we go.

and it's the weekend soon. i am sending the healthy one off to the in-laws.
my dad has been here to help. been up with me every night and cleaned up as much puke and poop as i've had splattered on me. one night i slept in the recliner to take care of Smith. my daddy slept on the couch near by to take care of me.

yes, 'mam. could've been worse. could've been a lot worse.


POST NOTE:
i came home this evening from the pediatrician and had a few comments. you folks are just great. but as i reread this entry - it really did not do justice to the week i have had. and it could have been worse. if my dad had not been here - i would have died.

the pediatritian - TODAY - when my son was on the upswing seriously considered admitting him overnight to the hospital. he looks that bad. and if you're wondering why i took him to the ER on Wednesday and the ped on friday - you should know that she is closed on thursday.

he demanded a Happy Meal as we left her office. i drove directly to Mickey D's. he ate half of it. He has been sipping and nibbling ever since. and all of it - so far has stayed on the inside of him as expected.

i cannot express in words how much i love and adore my children. as maddening as they can be - it is quite a wake up call when you have one this sick. my heart goes out to the parents of those children that never will get well.

he just vomited again. more later....

what do you call it...

when i get a craving for something - like in the fall of the year when the air turns crisp, i get a longing to go the mountains of Colorado. i call this yearning "mountain-itis" As in "I got a bad case of mountain-itis. Can we go to Vail this weekend?"

when one of my kids is clingy beyond belief and will not leave my shadow, i call that "mommy-itis."

so over Christmas at my parent's house, my son, Smith, developed a severe case of mommy-itis. had to carry him or hold his hand 24/7. my mom was mentioning it and we agreed he had an acute case of mommy-itis. Savvy, my five year old, overheard this comment and misunderstood the slang.

she calls it The Mommy Virus.

So now, when he clings and demands all my attention....

"Uh Oh! Smith's got the Mommy Virus again."

yep, i just had to write that one down...