I HATE BARBIE

i didn't start off my life hating Barbie. i liked her as a kid. I even wanted to be Barbie when I grew up. Long blonde hair, always wearing high heels, 13 inch waist. 54 inch boobies, 36 inch hips. i got the boobies...

i loved going over to my friend Paulette's house 'cause she had the best Barbie collection of all my friends.

but several years ago, BC (before children) i was Christmas shopping for my husband's nieces. i was told they liked Barbie dolls. so off i went in search of Barbie dolls. it took me less than five minutes to realize i was not going to enjoy this Barbie shopping experience.

i am not a fire-breathing feminist by no stretch of the imagination. i like having the door held open for me, the chair pulled out and i am putty when a man helps me on with my coat. but there are some gender role stereotypes i absolutely cannot abide...

so there, in Barbie Shopping Hell, i find Itty Bitty Teenie Weenie Polka Dot Bikini Barbie. Prom Dress Gone Bad Barbie. Waitress Barbie. Candy Stripper Barbie. i even found Flight Attendant Barbie. And there I was, muttering out loud to myself - "Where in the Hell is Neurosurgeon Surgeon Barbie, Jet Fighter Pilot Barbie, Quantum Physicist Barbie or Supreme Court Justice Barbie??!!"

I settled on two Veterinarian Barbies because they were the only ones offered that required Barbie to go to college for a minimum of four years.

so my distaste for Barbie was born...

and then i had two girls of my own. was able to skip Barbie Hell with my first one - she prefers trucks and horses to dolls and purses.

but the second one - the one in PreK - she is a Barbie Girl. not just the dolls, but the barbie flip flops, Barbie lip-gloss, Barbie pajamas, Barbie shirts, Barbie shoes, Barbie books, Barbie backpacks, BARBIE TOOTHPASTE!!!!

but today, it was the Barbie dolls and Barbie doll accessories that nearly did me in. it was clean up her room day. which meant start at the corner opposite the door - the closet - and work your way out. for those of you who haven't bought or given a Barbie lately, they don't just come with an outfit and a pair of shoes anymore. NOOOOOOO. There are belts, purses, suitcases, cell phones, perfume bottles, lipsticks, mirrors, TWO pairs of shoes, hats, wraps, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera and so forth and so on, blah, blah, blah...

and all this crap had been strowed from one end of creation to the other. not only that, but those sneaky little Barbie dolls either 1.went shopping without me (the bitches) or 2.have a garment factory somewhere in that room that i did not locate. there were FIVE times the amount of clothes and accessories in that room than I have brought or allowed into this house.

and nekkid - did i mention that. every single one of them stark butt-bare nekkid. Jeff Foxworthy (of "you might be a redneck" fame) does a skit about his daughters and nekkid Barbies and it is funny. really funny. there was no humor in it all all today in my life.
so we ( i ) dressed and picked up and cleaned and cussed (i cussed - not the 4 year old - at least not where i could hear her.) And we finally got the majority of them suitably attired and returned to their proper place. Their proper place being further evidence of my innate brilliance. I bought one of those over the door shoe holders - that's where we store the Barbies and miscellaneous other dolls.

the 1,348 Barbie Accessories are in a snap-lock tupperware container i buried out in the back yard...