Q & A for KC

as if you people don't know enuf about me already.
please, people.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I have GOT to get some new skincare products

2. How much cash do you have on you?
$6 + change

3. What's a word that rhymes with "door"?
store. as in shopping. as in new stuff. which explains why i only have $6 and change on me...

4. Favorite planet?
Saturn. isn't that the one with RINGS? and by my thinking, if the planet has rings, surely jewelry is a priority there....

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
husband

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
i can't figure out how to set the vcr - what on earth makes you think i can figure out how to download ringtones.... honey, please

7. What shirt are you wearing?
way cool new navy and white tye dye t-shirt

8. Do you "label" yourself?
constantly

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing:
Browns Landing- two inch brown leather mules. they look cute with jeans. leave it alone peeps.

10. Bright or dark room?
Dark Room with candles or lamps - at least until i get some new skincare products.

11. What do you think about the person who sent you this survey?
i find kc very interesting and humorous. i have always enjoyed theater and enjoy living vicariously through her blog in that sense.

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz............

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
was a phone number. my mother sent me her cell phone number when i walked from the hotel lobby to the parking lot and did not come back quick enuf to suit her. of course i did leave her with one of my kids - that could explain her panicked state...

14. Where is your nearest 7 - 11?
absolutely no idea. ask me where every mall within a 100 mile radius of my home is. THIS i know.

15. What's a word that you say a lot?
NO! i have an almost two year old. we both say it a lot. me to him. him to EVERYONE.

16. Who told you they loved you last?
my daughter and i got a big wet sloppy kiss to go with

17. Last furry thing you touched?
A bulldog. a whining, peeing on my floor, chewing on my kids shoes, scratched my arm furry bulldog.

18. How many drugs have you done in the past seven days?
nothing illegal. one script, 1 otc for headache and my vitamins

19. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
NADA. what's film?

20. Favorite age you have been so far?
six - my biggest problem was what i wanted on my birthday cake, who was going to come over and play with me on the weekends, trying to keep my brother out of my room and what i would ask Santa for Christmas. Yes, six was wonderful.

21. Your worst enemy?
chocolate. i stalks me. haunts me. and when i least expect, it sneaks up behind me and attaches itself to my hips.

22. What is your current desktop picture?
tulips - my favorite flower

23. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"i love you. be good at school today. work hard" i say this every single day. i gotta get a new routine...

24. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
as the saying goes - you can never be too rich or too thin. don't say nothing about flying...

25. Do you like someone?
depends on my mood. some days, i like no one. some days, the world is my oyster and everyone is loved and adored

26. Do you answer your home phone on the first ring?
if i am at my desk i do. otherwise, i am lucky to find the cordless before the answering machine picks up.

27. The last song you listened to?
Cry by James Blunt

the end

confessions of a fat girl

i am not sure i want to write this entry. been thinking about it for almost a week. but even if i don't want to write it, i feel compelled to.

so here goes....

I am writing this for those of you who know exactly where i am coming from - you've been there - done that. but this is also for those of you that have never been fat a day in your life. and it's for those of you with the bumper sticker "NO FAT CHICKS ALLOWED" on your rigs. (you know who you are)

but most of all, i write this for me. to let my inner voice be heard

i am fat.

have been for the vast majority of my life. i have dieted, fasted, starved, binged, purged, excercised, prayed, begged and cried for this to change.

i take ownership of my body and my issues. the shape i am in is no one's responsibility but my own. there is no blame game here. but please note - i am not lazy. nor am i out of control. i do not eat cookies and ice cream every day of my life. i know what a proper serving from every food group consists of. i can tell you how many servings of each - for my height, age and weight - i should have every day.

but in plain english - i eat too much and do not exercise enough. it's a simple formula. i am an intelligent woman. i do the math on this formula every single day. and slowly, the weight has been coming off. very slowly.


my weight issue began during puberty. 'baby fat' my aunt used to call it. "You'll outgrow it and all the boys will see how beautiful you are."

but you know - i never did - outgrow it.

almost every relationship i have ever had my entire life has been affected by this physical attribute of my person - my weight. friendships, boyfriends, parents, husband, children, siblings, grandparents, teachers, crushes, co-workers - the list is endless.

so not only am i fat - i am (and always have been) loud, opinionated and out-spoken. this is a lethal combination if you do not wish to be a target.

i am not in short supply of fat stories to share with you. i could write for the rest of my life and not get them all out of my head. but the following incidents really sum it all up for me...

when i was a kid - somewhere around 4 or 5 years old, i had a playmate. scott. his family lived in another town but came to visit several times a year. his mom and my mom were friends so when they'd get together to visit, scott and i would play. i adored him - as young friends do. innocently and sweetly. his mom was Filipino and my friend had darker skin than i. he was also a chubby kid - though i never noticed - until someone pointed it out to me.

on day i invited scott to my pre-k class with me. we had a great time. until some of the kids in my class started calling my friend Fat Albert. I clearly remember being completely undone. i stuck up for him - prolly socked one of the name-callers in the nose. and while my recollection of the exact events is fuzzy - my memory of the emotion evoked is crystal clear. i was hurt and indignant on behalf of my friend and i did not tolerate this behavior from my classmates.

fast forward to high school. 15 or 16 years old. summer. band camp. out behind the band hall after practice. scott is there - with some of his friends - guys i actually went to school and church with. one of these guys is making fun of me. saying really mean things. hateful. i am embarrassed. humiliated. hurt.

scott says nothing. he laughs at his friends comments. at me.

a few nights later, i awake in my bed. crying. hot burning tears. cannot go back to sleep. tossing and turning. i am still hurt from the incident behind the band hall. couldn't figure it out - stuff like this happened all the time. by this time, i was almost used to be teased and picked on. why was !this! waking me from a sound sleep?!

then it hit me. as a small child, i knew what it was to be a friend. to not tolerate injustice of any kind. especially when directed toward my dear, sweet friend. and then scott, as a young man - someone that had remained my friend through the years - let me down.
his silence and his laughter hurt worse than any mean-spirited comment i'd ever received.

fast forward again. college. Jr Year. i had lost a ton of weight. fasted 15 weeks on that optifast protein shake thing.
and if i say so myself, (and you know i will) i was One Red Hot Moma. was home visiting my family and ran into scott. he was older and quite gorgeous himself. and HE was into ME. he and some friends were going to new orleans for the weekend and he INSISTED i go with them. and i wanted to go sooooooo bad. i ran home to pack my bag and tell my mom my plans. for the first time in many years, she put her foot down and said absolutely not. i could not go. something about over her dead body.
how dare she?!!!!
heated argument ensued and i was reminded - by her - of everything i have just shared with you.
she won.
i didn't go.
she was right. (Yes, Mother, I said you were right.)

what's the lesson here, you ask? it's not about the kind of person scott is or was. the lesson here has little to do with my hurt feelings in high school. and as i sit here, i even consider that there is no moral message to this tale. just a demonstration of how wacked out my thought process was/is as i was willing to sacrifice my dignity - sell my soul even - to be accepted by someone i had known and adored my whole life - even after this person had treated me poorly because of my outer appearance and was now treating me lustfully because of the same outer appearance. (how's that for a run-on sentence???)

i had no respect for myself when i was heavy. i had even less respect for myself when thin. in every rejection - of any kind - my first thought was always that it was about me being fat.
if i liked a boy - and he didn't like me, it was because i was fat.
if i didn't make an audition, it was because i was fat.
if i had a job interview and was turned down, 'cause i was fat.
FAT was a crutch my whole life. i knew it at the time - that i was using it as such. i knew it was possible the boy didn't like me because i was too bossy or loud-mouthed or simply wasn't his type. i also knew when i didn't make the audition cut it could be because i wasn't the most talented one. or the most qualified in a job interview. but invariably, i ALWAYS went to the fat excuse first.
for the most part, i don't do that now. blame the fat first.

time, experience, maturity and a nearly unshakeable sense of self have allowed me the luxury and pleasures of living my life without many of the uncertainties of my youth.

but i'd be lying if i told you fat is no longer an issue in my life. we wouldn't be here talking about this if i was completely 'over it.'


when i started this blog, i decided up front to put my picture on it. i actually like my profile picture. i think my brother in law - the photographer - is brilliant. but i put this photo out there not so much out of vanity but primarily so when people read this log, they know exactly who they were dealing with.

a fat girl.

in one of my very first entries, there is a full length photo of me and hubby from this summer in moab, utah. it's a great photo - we are on vacation and the scenery is breathtaking from the top of Lion's Back.

but again, my underlying motivation - i want people (you) to know who i am, warts and all. no surprises. so if you read my blog. if you make comments. if we become 'blog' friends. i know that you know who i am. what i am. and that you accept me - straight out of the box - no modifications required.

and maybe that's crazy too. we don't know what most people look like or who they are in this great giant blogosphere. i never once claimed sanity as an attribute.

bottom line - i still have a few minor hang-ups on this fat thing.
i still want to be fit. healthy. but now, it's not so much about me. i want to be a good example for the two daughters and one son i am raising. i want to be able to run and jump and play with them. and snow ski, water ski, dance and ride horses with them. i want them to have a mommy that doesn't embarrass them because she's the fat mommy. i want them to learn to value their bodies. and how to properly take care of and nurture themselves.

it took me a long time, but i'm comfortable in my own skin. i flat-out like me.

and if you don't. your loss. so sorry. see ya.

Happy Birthday Dear Daddy, Happy Birthday to YOU!

today is my Daddy's birthday. he's a pretty amazing man. yes, of course i'm biased, i'll cop to that. but even so, he's pretty awesome - all my friends - my entire life - have always told me how wonderful, cool, loving, considerate and fantastic he is. he's so nurturing, my mom has always said that he should have been the mother.

allow me to introduce you...
this picture is of him and my son - taken back in November.

My Dad is a true country boy. born and raised on a farm in south mississippi.
He likes to hunt and fish and spend time with his family.
He graduated from LSU's School of Forestry.
He served in the National Guard.
He owned his own timber business until he retired.
My dad served on the Mississippi Forestry Commission for several terms - once as the governor's appointed commissioner.

but that's all logistics. could apply to anyone.

so let me tell you who he really is....

since he owned his own business, he could come home for lunch pretty often. Sometimes, he take me out in the woods with him to survey timber. one of my earliest memories is sitting on his shoulders - walking through the tall Mississippi pines.

i was never ready on time when it was time to leave with him. he always had to wait on me. it caused undo tension. my mom told him he'd have to teach me a lesson one day and just leave me. so that day came. i was told to get ready to leave. i didn't. he left me. my mom says she doesn't know who cried more, me or him...

i was always scared of bad weather as a little girl - maybe because i lived through a couple tornados as a small child. but every time a big storm would roll through at night - lots of thunder and lightning - i'd always wake up my daddy. i don't remember him ever telling me to go back to bed - that he had to get his sleep. he would get up and sit in the kitchen with me till it had passed and then we'd both go back to bed. or i would at least, i doubt he ever really got back to sleep on these nights.
and as i got older, i tried to be braver. and not get up and disturb him. i remember one storm in particular. i awoke in the dark to the distant thunder. i stayed in bed. it got closer. i snuggled deeper in the covers. i stayed there - in my room - as long as i could stand it. until it sounded like lightening hit a tree right outside my room. the boom was deafening and the windows rattled in their frame. my feet didn't even touch the floor - i was off.
my Dad met me in the kitchen - arms open.

i had a childhood sweetheart. and i was soooo sweet on him. his family moved across country. so i wrote my young sweetheart letter after letter after letter. my dad would take them and mail them for me on his way to work. i never received one letter in return. not a single one. i kept writing, but finally, after months and months of no response, i tapered off and quit.
brokenhearted.
years later, when i was in college, i contacted this childhood sweetheart and his brother again. they were living in Calgary. it was 1988. winter olympics. they invited me up for the festivities. my Dad took me to the airport. as we were waiting for my flight, he asked if i remembered writing all those many letters. i said yes, of course. he asked if i remembered that i never got a response. yes, i remembered that too. he told me he always suspected my sweetheart's step-MONSTER never gave him the letters i wrote. i agreed with his assessment. he told me that it broke his heart. and that after a while, he quit mailing the letters.
i was shocked.
but then from his pocket, he produced the age-worn, yellowed envelopes with my childish handwriting on them. there were about 4 of them. unopened. he told me to take them with me and deliver them myself. that this way he knew my sweetheart would get them. and indeed, these were the first letters he ever received from me.

when both of my daughters were born, my parents came from Mississippi to Texas for the glorious occasions. I had all my babies induced - mainly so they could be in attendance.
My Dad went home a day or two after the births. and my mom would stay for two weeks to help out. it was WONDERFUL - she did all the things a mom would do for a new mother. she washed, cooked, cleaned, rocked, changed diapers and i got to sleep, eat and focus on recuperating and my new baby.
and at the end of the first two weeks, my DAD would come and spend two weeks. and he did the exact same. washed, cooked, cleaned, rocked and changed diapers. and at the end of his two weeks - when babies were four weeks old - and deemed old enough to travel - he would load us up and drive us to Mississippi to meet the kin folks over there. i nursed all of my babies. and so we'd have to stop every two hours or so to feed them. and the first one had some sort of gastric distress and the diaper rash to go with.

He was the most patient human being on the planet when this 8 hour drive turned into more like 14 hours - stopping every 30 minutes or 30 miles - whichever came first. and being the first time mom that i was, i wouldn't even drive across the parking lot without her being strapped in her car seat. (i'm still pretty anal about that, actually)
he never complained once. not once. he helped me every second of the way. if it was time to change a diaper, he handed me each individual wipe as i needed them. squeezed the desitin onto my finger - all without me ever having to ask. time to nurse, he would park us strategically so that i would not flash any passerby's. i had to go to the bathroom, he snuggled and loved our baby girl whilst i was gone.

he's the kind of daddy every child should have.
one that loves their mother.
is dedicated to his family.
is a role model of goodness, kindness, fairness, compassion and hard work.

he's my SuperMan. my Prince Charming. my Hero.
he's my Daddy.

Happy Birthday Daddy.
all my love,
your little girl

Gee, thanks...

Buddha Girl Tagged me. Thanks. really. no, i mean it...

3 Names you answer to
tcole
Mommy
Your Royal Highness

3 Parts of your heritage
french
irish
american indian

3 Things that scare me
vampires (think Salem's Lot - watched as a child)
the dark - cause that's when vampires come out
my husband's driving

3 of your everyday essentials
diet coke
lipstick
a kiss from my kids

3 Things you are wearing right now
Vail sweatshirt
black bra
slippers

3 Of your favorite songs
Mississippi Girl - Faith Hill
You're Beautiful - James Blunt
The Story of My Life - Bon Jovi

3 Things you want in a relationship
to have a sense that i am taken care of
for him to NOT put up with any of my crap
all the money - mine and his

2 Truths and 1 Lie (In any order)

i love to go deep sea fishing

i flashed my boobies at summer camp on parents day

i lived with a lesbian in college

3 Things about the opposite sex that appeal to you
when they think i am intelligent, funny and beautiful - in that order
when i think they are intelligent, funny and beautiful - in that order
when they smell good - few things are better than a good smelling manly man.

3 Of your favorite hobbies
scrapbooking
horseback riding
shopping (duh!)

3 Places you want to go

Austria

Scotland

Australia

3 Things you want to do before you die

get new countertops in my kitchen

own a sporty, two-seater convertible

drive that convertible down the entire California coastline

3 Ways that you are stereotypically a female/male

jewelry - LOVE IT - it's what makes you beautiful and the more the better

i cannot do reverse in any vehicle with a trailer attached - this includes the lawn mower with the utility wagon.

i talk about my feelings - a lot. a whole lot. like all the time. constantly. incessantly....

read em and weep....

i have no doubt this post will only further convince you of my innate lunacy.
but i gotta share this - it's part of who i am....

so i do coupon shopping. i am a semi-professional. i am like the nuts you see on tv. i clip four sunday papers each week. i file my coupons in two three ring binders with baseball card sheets. i subscribe to a website that gives me a list to shop from each week.

This past weekend, my local grocery store had Super Triples up to .75 cents. that means a .75 cent coupon is worth $2.25. same for a $1 = $2.25.

so here's what i brought home this past friday from the grocery store...




this haul included:
13 bottles of shampoo and conditioner
8 boxes of oatmeal
4 pkgs 12 double roll Quilted Northern toilet tissue
3 loaves of Sara Lee bread
5 Nestle cookie doughs (Class Valentine parties)
4 boxes of Splenda
2 fresh pineapples
2 bags of fresh spinach
9 packs of drinkable yogurt - kids love this stuff
4 containers of Soy Milk
12 boxes of breakfast Lean (Hot) Pockets
6 12 packs of soda
5 boxes of South Beach crackers and cookies
3 bottles of Aleve (50 ct)
4 boxes of Kellogs fruit snacks
4 bags of goldfish
5 South Beach lunch wraps
2 Schepps sourcream
2 Uncle Ben's Rice packages

and more..................
PLUS, the only generic item i bought was the store brand paper plates. they were 67% off shelf cost.


so, you ask yourself - how much did she pay for all this?????
The shelf total - what it rung up - before coupons and my store card was $423.63.

I paid............................

drum roll please ........................................

$129.49

do the math. that's 30 cents on the dollar!!!!
that's like going to the grocery store and everything being 70% off retail!!!!

I said earlier in this blog that i believe shopping is a sport. and in my game, she who saves the most money and gets the most stuff WINS....

Note: I have three freezers and a walk in pantry and four full bathrooms to store all this stuff in. one of the rules of shopping like this is to stock up on items when they are cheap or free. by the time you need them again, they will have cycled and you then get them - again - cheap or free...

just another day in paradise

an old friend used to say that to me. whatever in the hell that means...

so here i am. mother to three.
in the next two months, they turn 7, 2 and 5 - in that order.
i turn 38 in between the 2 and the 5.

being a mother and a wife makes me miss the days when i was just me. an entity unto myself. yes, i feel selfish hearing that come from my mouth. and the irony of it is i can't even remember what that felt like - being my own person. yes, i have memories of my past. of course i do. but from the moment my first child was born, i ceased to remember what it felt like to not be a mother. the part of me that existed in the singular was gone. my whole inner compass shifted. and this is not a bad thing. not at all. just how it is - for me.

there was a picture taken of me right after my daughter was born. very few people have ever seen this photo. it is so personal and intimate, i actually find it difficult to share it with anyone. and for me to not share something about myself, that's pretty unusual. it was taken by my mother. in the delivery room. my husband had just placed our daughter in my arms for the first time. i am sobbing as i cradle my precious baby girl. that's it - just a mother holding a swaddled newborn. and crying.

but when i look at that picture, i can still feel that exact raw emotion in my soul. the awe at the birth i had just participated in. the admiration of this new creature. the relief at ten fingers and ten toes. the gratitude. the joy. the unbelievable love and that fierce sense of protection mother bears have for their cubs.
it's the first picture of the new me. the mother me.

so every now and then i go searching for the woman i think i am now. or more accurately, the woman i think i should be.
and am i really a woman?
already.
i feel more like a girl.
i inadvertently deceive myself into believing i can separate the different personas that inhabit this body.

~ woman ~ daughter ~ sister ~ wife ~ mother ~ girlfriend ~ woman ~

i attempt to compartmentalize the roles i play. then i try to define myself. most often i lose myself in the ebb and flow of everyday banalities.

and then i feel adrift. as i do now. trying to make sense of the mundane details.

i do not think myself special or unique in this dissection of self. i think all women do battle with expectations, dreams, labels, responsibilities, fantasies, reality...

perhaps men have the same battles.
i can only speak to what i know is true for me.

so what are my truths? where does my reality lie? how do i define myself?

i am conviction. i am indecision.
i am strength. i am fragile.
i am perfect. i am falliable.
i am coarse. i am feminine.
i am intellect. i am emotion.

i am a woman

i am undefinable

Disclaimer: this entry is being written ~ hiccup ~ through the haze of a hangover brought on by consuming a half a bottle of tequila in 2.5 hours ~ hiccup ~...

i don't even know where to start...
perhaps i'll jump around a bit
first and foremost - jon bon jovi (known at my house as 'Moma's Jon') STILL HAS IT.
OMG, does he still have it.
and I STILL WANT IT!

and my girlfriends i attended the concert with are new converts to the Church of Bon Jovi. they showed up as middle of the road fans. and left as full fledged, card-carrying jon bon jovi followers. i kid you not. i took their wayward confessions myself as we waited for the aisles to clear after the show.

my friend that split the bottle of tequila with me, she is going on and on in my ear. "OMG! he's so HOT! He's totally do-able!"
In my best I told you so voice - I'm like - "I been telling you this..."
Her - "Look at that chest..."
Me - "uh huh"
Her - "look at those arms..."
Me - "i am"
Her - "he has the sexiest smile"
Me - "oh yeah"
Her - "even his armpits are sexy!"
Me - "DO WHAT?" i draw the line at sexy armpits. i don't care whose they are...

so let's back up a bit....

i told you in an earlier post that my hubby ordered me the concert t-shirt. and being the teenager i am, i had to cut it up and paint on it. i added the gold paint on the letters and found this fabulous gold sparkle spray. i think it's gorgeous...

so we started the evening with margaritas...

one of the girls - and i really like this about her - brought party favors. This is her trademark - party favors - and she does an excellent job of it.

and they were packaged beautifully. What do you think was in these fabulous little parcels....

you gotta see these. they are perfect party favors for four crazy women going to a rock concert in a limo...

here we are - party favors in hand - huggies with feathers on them. are they not FABULOUS???!!!!

So we ate, drank and made merry until the limo got there. then we loaded up our ice-chest of beer and pitcher of margarita's and headed into the city...

i know the image is not good - but i gotta include a shot of our ride in here...

so we made it to the concert. i forgot my glasses (couldn't wear my contacts b/c of the pink eye) and in the ultimate sacrifice of friendship, one of my gal pals loaned me her glasses for the majority of the show. we have almost the same prescription and we know this b/c i am in a habit of leaving my glasses...

They played their old stuff and the new stuff. i sang all of it at the top of my lungs. it was a sold out show and the center was packed. they played non-stop for three hours!! (note to my Philly friends - jon did one of the encores in his arena football team's jersey) a great time was had by all. caught our ride home - which was considerably more sedate than the ride down. got back to my friend's house around midnight, i staked out the guest room, took off jeans and shoes and crashed - makeup and jewelry still in tact. i do not sleep in jewelry. ever.

awoke this morning at 5 am to get home before hubby had to go to work. found the following left on the kitchen counter by my friend's husband - right by my car keys. you think he's trying to tell me something??? "take your pills and GET OUT!"

I'm starting to feel a little better now. i do appreciate you keeping your voice down today. that was very thoughtful of you.

so does anyone have the concert schedule for next year yet???

Insert Profanity Here .........

for various and sundry reasons, i will not use the vocabulary i desire in this entry.
you, the reader, will be required to call upon your wildest imagination and insert the nastiest, foulest, dirtiest, crudest, most offensive terminology you can fathom.

with those instructions in mind....

today is the 15th. THE day. CONCERT day. HAVE LIVED FOR THIS DAY FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS DAY.

I wake up with a RAGING case of PINK EYE!!!!!


Insert profanity here => !^)*&@$ht^)!(*~)@$D@m^^t~!@*&^%@(?*he!*^#

thank you.
i feel better...

Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?

Is it January 15th at 7:30 PM yet???!!!!

Bon Jovi Live BABY!!!!

This is how to do a concert...

First - out of the four of us gals going - I AM THE BON JOVI FANATIC....
the rest of them like Bon Jovi but do this mostly to humor me and to watch me salivate in public. even Pavlov would be proud...

So, my girlfriend surprises me and buys the four tickets. Supposedly GREAT seats - I'll let you know on Monday...

Husband orders a limo for the night to transport us girls in style.
he then orders me the concert t-shirt to wear. it's cute. it fits. bonus.
he purchases beer, wine, tequila, margarita mix and vanilla vodka for us.
my friends want to know if i loan him out...

we are meeting at ticket-purchasing-friend's house for Cocktails and Hors D'oeuvres before departing in our limo.

i have taken monday morning off from work.

i have been listening to their latest CD - Have A Nice Day to make sure i know all the lyrics to all the songs. been working on the harmonies too - in the unlikely event that one of their back-up singers takes ill and they pull me out of the crowd to fill in. i'm good on all the previous albums - just brushing up on the new stuff. a girl must always be prepared...

Now, my last piece of business...

if anyone out there has any connections at all or has any idea how to get back stage passes at the American Airlines Center in Dallas for this Sunday - i'm your new best friend...

i don't have time for all that radio contest call in nonsense so i gotta find a connection. somehow, somewhere - there's gotta be someone out there connected enuf to can hook me up.

you know where to find me...

and yes, i know - i gotta get out more.

it's all about me...

Everything you ever wanted to know (and then some) but were afraid to ask.

1. i will be 38 next month
2. i do not believe in astrology signs
3. i do believe in God, heaven and hell.
4. i had a Disney childhood - stay at home Mom, Dad owned his own business- home for lunch several days a week. Perfect Grandparents. Vacations in Florida at the beach every summer. to the farm on the weekends for horseback riding and picnics.
5. i was loved completely and unconditionally by my parents.
6. still am.
7. my mom and i hated each other when i was a teenager
8. my dad hated both of us during this time
9. he won't admit it
10. my mom and husband were in the delivery room when my first daughter was born.
11. my mom, husband and my dad were in the delivery room when my second daughter was born.
12. my mom, husband, dad, cousin, brother-in-law and favorite next door neighbor were in the delivery room when my son was born.
13. we like parties
14. i have no modesty. none.
15. i had a tubal ligation after the third child
16. i was off the pill for three weeks when i got pregnant with my son.
17. my son was the surprise of my life but i wanted him more than i ever thought possible
18. i ate krispy creme doughnuts the night before my son was born and lied to the nurse about having eaten after midnight.
19. i don't mind shots
20. except in the mouth
21. i have two younger, good looking, hard working brothers. the 28 year old is not married - let me know if you're available and interested. i will post pictures. he will kill me for this.
22. everyone in my immediate family has a college degree.
23. my current career has NOTHING to do with my degree
24. i have wanderlust in my blood and MUST travel on a semi-regular basis
25. i went to Nicaragua when i was 9 years old
26. i remember first shooting a gun before I was 7 years old
27. i have been dove hunting
28. i never want to go again
29. i was and will always be a band geek - saxophone
30. i had the lead role in Arsenic and Old Lace and several other stage productions in college
31. i lived in Vail Colorado for two FABULOUS years straight out of college
32. i then spent seven of the most miserable months of my life in Baltimore, Maryland
33. i then moved back in with my parents
34. i love the snow and all snow-related activities - skiing, sledding, snowball fights, snow angels, snowmobiling - but my most favorite thing - is to just sit quietly and watch it fall from the heavens.
35. i have had my heart broken more times than i can count
36. the first time - i was 11. he was 12. true puppy love. and his family moved from mississippi to oregon
37. i am scared to swim in the ocean because of Jaws
38. i am generous to a fault
39. i am 110% loyal to my family
40. i love my kids to pieces but sincerely believe i am a mediocre mom
41. i am impaired when it comes to balancing my checkbook
42. i have never ever, not even once done any illegal drugs. misused Mini Thins for awhile, but nothing beyond that
43. i have an addictive personality - which helps explain why i never had the guts to try drugs.
44. lost my virginity when i was 18 - to a guy 10 years older than me - who later slept with my best girl-friend. i hope he rots in hell. and if she's there with him, all the better.
45. i don't usually hold grudges, with the exception of #44.
46. i am not a jealous person. if you don't want to be with me - go.
47. i can drive a stick shift. my granddad taught me how to drive one - three on the tree.
48. i have been to a NASCAR race - camped at the track - and actually had a pretty good time doing it.
49. i met Whoopie Goldberg when i was a Sr in High School and she was AWESOME.
50. i have had backstage passes to several concerts.
51. one of my most favorite hobbies/past times has always been to seek out people as different from me as possible and pick their brains, get to know them, find out what makes them tick. almost always found that we weren't so different after all
52. i would like to be a groupie - for bon jovi
53. i love/lust jon bon jovi and would cheat on my husband with him if ever given the opportunity. husband knows this.
54. i came within seconds of proposing marriage to a complete stranger once. was backstage after JesusChrist SuperStar - with the original broadway cast. told my mom that if i met the amazingly beautiful man playing judas iscariot i would ask him to marry me. we met. i told him my plans for a proposal. He flashes this mega-watt, flirtatious smile and tells me he is waiting for the proposal and i chickened out... dammit dammit dammit
55. i am not shy. do not have a shy bone in my body. can talk to a fence post. and have.
56. i talk too much
57. was elected Most Outgoing my FRESHMAN year of High School
58. this summer is my 20 year class reunion. i will go.
59. i am a speed reader
60. i like to sing karoke and have actually won a few contests
61. i have no tolerance for prejudice, bigotry, homophobia or stupidity
62. i found my first gray hair when i was 13 and have been a loyal follower of Ms Clairol ever since i was 19.
63. i can ride a horse - western and english
64. i met my husband at a funeral
65. i was a bartender at one time. i still mix a mean margarita.
66. i am too emotional for my own good
67. i love my job and i am very good at it
68. i have a current and updated resume and it is not padded at all
69. i work most days in my PJs
70. i nursed all three of my babies
71. my oldest daughter is a special needs child
72. i was a journalism major my first 2 1/2 years of college - but they insisted i be concise in my writing. concise is not in my repertoire...
73. my friends, especially from childhood, say i have impeccable phone manners
74. i make really good homemade guacamole
75. i love love love shoes and have 10+ pairs of black shoes alone.
76. fire-engine red toe nails - year round
77. no tattoos or unusual body piercings - except that my left ear is pierced twice and my right ear isn't. did it in Jr. high. never use the second hole any more...
78. i had braces on my teeth as a child. didn't wear the head-gear or retainers so I had them again as an adult - and paid for them out of my own pocket.
79. i love seafood - any kind - any way
80. i can shuck oysters with the best of them
81. i know how to eat crawfish. pinch the tails and suck the heads. yes, that's really how you do it
82. i make a kick-ass version of my Grandma's seafood gumbo
83. i believe in UFOs
84. i laugh out loud in movies
85. i love scary movies and talk to the characters in the film - such as "DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!" or "RUN!"
86. i love being on the water
87. i prefer my steaks rare
88. my son's first name is my maiden name. he is named for my father.
89. i know how to sew
90. my great grandfather shot and killed a man in self defense
91. my absolute most favorite thing in the entire planet is a long, hot, smell-good, uninterrupted baths.
92. i haven't been to the bathroom by myself in almost 7 years
93. i am really good at it but i loathe ironing clothes
94. i believe shopping is a sport
95. i am a hopeless romantic
96. i drive too fast
97. my parents sent me away from Small Town Mississippi for 9 summers in a row when i was growing up to show me that there is a big world out there. that and to just get rid of me.
98. five of those summers, i worked at Six Flags Over Georgia, in rides. best five summers of my life.
99. i have no idea how to program the time on my VCR
100. i believe you can have it all - just not at the same time...

two things....

1. we are puppy-sitting tonight. so in addition to our new NON-house-trained, pee and poop everywhere, i stay at home and take care of all day puppy, we have one of her brother's for a sleep-over. No, they are not sleeping in my bed. but i digress. i am trying to be brief. Dang, it's painful.

did i ever tell you that one of my mom's friends told me that if i could find a job where they would pay me to talk - i'd be a very rich woman. I'm still looking. again, digression. my apologies...

so they - the puppies - are playing in the kitchen. husband says - and i quote - "we should get another one so she has someone to play with."
i take one look at him, ascertain he is half-way serious and then tell him "stop talking to me." He opens his mouth again and i all but yell "GO AWAY FROM ME SPAWN OF SATAN!"


2. my daughters are professional whiners. the sound of their whining goes straight through me - like a dull hatchet. every day. makes be batty. i have yet to come up with a method for stopping or reducing it. i try different tricks on a regular basis. tonight, in a vain attempt to have daughter #1 cease and desist on the whinnnninnnnggg, i finally ask her through clinched teeth - "Do you want a Happy Mommy or a Mad & Crazy Mommy????"

her dead pan, perfect timing, non-whining response...
"a Happy Crazy Mommy"

i wasn't aware that was an option...
cool.

I HATE BARBIE

i didn't start off my life hating Barbie. i liked her as a kid. I even wanted to be Barbie when I grew up. Long blonde hair, always wearing high heels, 13 inch waist. 54 inch boobies, 36 inch hips. i got the boobies...

i loved going over to my friend Paulette's house 'cause she had the best Barbie collection of all my friends.

but several years ago, BC (before children) i was Christmas shopping for my husband's nieces. i was told they liked Barbie dolls. so off i went in search of Barbie dolls. it took me less than five minutes to realize i was not going to enjoy this Barbie shopping experience.

i am not a fire-breathing feminist by no stretch of the imagination. i like having the door held open for me, the chair pulled out and i am putty when a man helps me on with my coat. but there are some gender role stereotypes i absolutely cannot abide...

so there, in Barbie Shopping Hell, i find Itty Bitty Teenie Weenie Polka Dot Bikini Barbie. Prom Dress Gone Bad Barbie. Waitress Barbie. Candy Stripper Barbie. i even found Flight Attendant Barbie. And there I was, muttering out loud to myself - "Where in the Hell is Neurosurgeon Surgeon Barbie, Jet Fighter Pilot Barbie, Quantum Physicist Barbie or Supreme Court Justice Barbie??!!"

I settled on two Veterinarian Barbies because they were the only ones offered that required Barbie to go to college for a minimum of four years.

so my distaste for Barbie was born...

and then i had two girls of my own. was able to skip Barbie Hell with my first one - she prefers trucks and horses to dolls and purses.

but the second one - the one in PreK - she is a Barbie Girl. not just the dolls, but the barbie flip flops, Barbie lip-gloss, Barbie pajamas, Barbie shirts, Barbie shoes, Barbie books, Barbie backpacks, BARBIE TOOTHPASTE!!!!

but today, it was the Barbie dolls and Barbie doll accessories that nearly did me in. it was clean up her room day. which meant start at the corner opposite the door - the closet - and work your way out. for those of you who haven't bought or given a Barbie lately, they don't just come with an outfit and a pair of shoes anymore. NOOOOOOO. There are belts, purses, suitcases, cell phones, perfume bottles, lipsticks, mirrors, TWO pairs of shoes, hats, wraps, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera and so forth and so on, blah, blah, blah...

and all this crap had been strowed from one end of creation to the other. not only that, but those sneaky little Barbie dolls either 1.went shopping without me (the bitches) or 2.have a garment factory somewhere in that room that i did not locate. there were FIVE times the amount of clothes and accessories in that room than I have brought or allowed into this house.

and nekkid - did i mention that. every single one of them stark butt-bare nekkid. Jeff Foxworthy (of "you might be a redneck" fame) does a skit about his daughters and nekkid Barbies and it is funny. really funny. there was no humor in it all all today in my life.
so we ( i ) dressed and picked up and cleaned and cussed (i cussed - not the 4 year old - at least not where i could hear her.) And we finally got the majority of them suitably attired and returned to their proper place. Their proper place being further evidence of my innate brilliance. I bought one of those over the door shoe holders - that's where we store the Barbies and miscellaneous other dolls.

the 1,348 Barbie Accessories are in a snap-lock tupperware container i buried out in the back yard...

been feeling a little repressed lately...

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

thanks Buddha Girl for allowing me to hi-jack from your site. been married too long to know if this is actually accurate. wish i had an old boyfriend lying around (not literally) that could verify these test results.

not sure if this alleviated the repression - but it felt better for awhile...

the inmates are in charge

last night - in the van, my four year old darling daughter proceeds to tell me - in a sort of casual off-hand manner that Jordan (boy in her Pre-K class) got in trouble for kissing Kirsten (girl in her Pre-K class.)

DO WHAT???!!!!

without taking a breath, i immediately start my YOU BETTER NOT BE KISSING ANY BOYS speech.

Have you kissed any boys?
no
Do you want to kiss any boys?
no
Do any boys want to kiss you?
no

so far so good...

so i pull out my secret weapon.

i tell her that if she kisses boys at school, she will get - (dramatic pause to make certain i have her undivided attention) - BOY GERMS!!!!!

EEEEUUUUUW IIIICKKKK GROOOOSSSSSS NASSSSSSTTTTTY

BOY GERMS!!!!!

and if she kisses any boy -any boy at all - she will get these Boy Germs....
and i add gravely - thus far, there is no known cure...

I remember clearly having a natural aversion to all things boy related up through at least the 3rd grade. wasn't until like the 5th grade that i actually had one (a boy) i wanted to kiss. and even then, i didn't have the nerve to go through with it - of course neither did he.

~ sigh ~

it wasn't till Jr. High that I actually kissed KISSED one and that first kiss was so awful it's a wonder I ever tried it again.

but this small child - the one sitting right behind me - the one i gave birth to last week - still strapped into a CHILD safety seat little - FOUR YEARS OLD - is telling me about her classmates kissing each other.

I observe her in the rearview mirror. she is sneering. obvious disgust on her face. a trace of fear even. i am a bit smug. she appears to have as strong a distaste for boy germs as i did at that age. the apple doesn't fall far from the tree here, no sirrreeeee. that's my girl.

and then she opens her mouth again...
"but Mom, I kiss Daddy and Brother and they're boys..."

SH*T! Cold Busted!

"Yes, but they're family boys. and that's okay. we're immune to their germs."

i am not going to be able to fake this one out for much longer...

i am currently looking for a convent accepting sassy four year old girls too smart for their own good.

and if they take house-training puppies, all the better...

self inflicted

must balance check book
must write thank you notes
must catch up on coupon clipping and filing

may not write in blog until all are completed.

i'll miss you guys...

it's official

i'd rather take a beating than participate in house training a puppy.


just thought i'd let you know.

that's all...

about my grandmother

i have written about my Grandmother before. Next month will be 2 years since she died. i think of her just about every day. and while i miss her terribly, i am, at the same time, profoundly grateful to have had her in my life.

WOW! what an amazing woman she was. She and my Granddad lived on a farm in rural - and I do mean RURAL South Mississippi. not far from Wiggins, Miss. in a little community appropriately named Smith Town. She traveled this country. She traveled Europe. She ran a country store, raised two boys and untold nieces and nephews, maintained a household and a fully operational farm. She did the majority of this on her own as my grandfather had a job with the state dept of agriculture - and when he wasn't doing that, he was farming his own land.

She kept every single card, letter, photo and postcard ANYONE ever sent her.
She canned enough corn, peas and tomatoes in her lifetime to feed a small third world country for a week.
She made a fruitcake at Christmas that was actually good.
She is buried less than five miles from where she was born.

She wasn't one of those dainty southern belles you picture when you think of women from the Deep South. hers was a life of hard work, church and above all, family.

She was an amazing Grandmother. there was no treat more exciting or desired than to go spend the night with her. to help her feed the chickens and pick up the eggs. i loved to lay in bed, listen to her fall asleep at night - sharing the same pillow - as she told me stories about when she was a little girl. I think the last time I shared a bed with her was less than 10 years ago - after I got married. she didn't talk much then - we just laid there and held hands until we fell asleep.

She made the absolute VERY best home-made macaroni and cheese - ANY time I asked her too. She kept my secrets. She sheltered me from the world while at the same time taking me to the library and the book mobile and introducing me to books and stories - words and vocabularies - that would take me anywhere my imagination could conjure.

i was in Washington DC at the National Archives in my early 20's. Looked up the census from 1910 (I think). It was - of course - all hand written. and she was a young girl - listed with her parents and siblings. and on the next physical page of the census, my grandfather, also a young boy, listed with his parents and siblings. isn't that something - as children - they were physically that close to the person they would spend the rest of their lives with.

and in all the living she did and all the wisdom she possessed, there was a fabulous vulnerability about her.
I remember once, i phoned home when I was living in Vail, CO. She was telling me how cold it was there. I was telling her how cold it was in Vail. She rattled off some number as the current temperature - it was obscenely low for South Mississippi. I remember asking her, "Grandmother, is that in Celsius?" and she replied, "No Dear, that's in Wiggins."

genealogy was her passion/obsession. Why do you think I was at the National Archives in my early twenties? Hello! SHE sent me there to do her leg work.

and she had this knack (read: annoying habit) of meeting anyone and in the span of five minutes or less, figuring out how she/we were related to them. "Where is your family from? What did you say your last name was? Who's your Daddy? And what was your Momma Maiden name? Oh yes, that's so and so's girl. Her Daddy and My Daddy were third cousins five times removed." I KID YOU NOT!

I was telling Big Pissy, in her blog entry about rednecks, that I finally got to the point of instructing my friends and boyfriends - the ones I would take out to meet her - to tell her they were from Wyoming when she asked. We aren't related to anyone in Wyoming. It was no fun for her - but kept me from being related to several folks I did not want to have a blood relation with...

thanks for letting me share her with you. i am certain you would have loved her...

and don't forget - if anyone asks - the answer is always WYOMING!

i have a confession...

i put sugar in my cornbread today.

i know it doesn't sound like a big deal - but down here - in the deep south, that's grounds for expulsion. only yankees put sugar in their cornbread. i used half and half too - instead of buttermilk. i am so gone...

but OMG was it good.
this girl right here can cook some soul food - make no mistake.

so it's January 1. gotta have the black-eyed peas, cabbage and cornbread. not sure if this is a purely southern tradition or not. i know everyone here does it. you can't walk through a produce section the last week of December at any grocery store in these parts without tripping over a head of cabbage or a bag of black eyed peas ...

something about good luck, money and or health. since i need them all - and can't remember which is for what, we covered all the bases.

this morning before church, i throw some of the peas, chopped up ham, hickory smoke salt and a few green onions in the crock pot. set to High

wash and chop cabbage. put in steamer - dribble with bacon grease and hickory smoke salt ( a little redundant - but worth it). It's ready to turn on the minute we get home.

and when we got home, it smelt so good when we opened the doors... Mmmmm, Mmmmm...

so I pulled out my favorite cookbook Deep South Staples: How to Survive in a Southern Kitchen without a can of Cream of Mushroom Soup- by my favorite southern chef and writer, Robert St. John. Lo and behold, there's a recipe for Yankee Cornbread. and it calls for sugar. I have always like my cornbread on the sweet side so I took a walk on the wild side and whipped out a beautiful pone of Yankee Cornbread. Should have taken a picture for Pixie.

so we ate and are now sitting back and waiting on the money, luck and good health...

and while I am on the subject of Robert S. John, my mom sent me his new book, My South. A People, A Place, A world of Its Own for Christmas. It's actually a compilation of southern poems and verse. i have read it twice, parts of it out loud just so i can hear the words spoken with a southern drawl - as they were meant to be...

i can't read this to you, but let me share one of my favorite pieces...

I'm talkin' about a southern girl - greatest natural wonder of the world.
She's the reason the seasons change.
Her twang, soft as spring rain, is used to sooth pain.
Her silky drawl gives her the ability to touch you even when she says "y'all"
She can be as fierce as a summer storm,
yet on a cold night, her apple-butter eyes can make you feel warm.
Because God had a handle on her life, her soul lights its own candle.
Full of sass, created her own class.
Her champagne smile can calm the wildest beast.
Her smooth caress can bring about the sweetest peace.
As she steps into a room with effortless grace,
her very presence radiates any place.
Men have fought to keep such an appealing treasure--
diamonds, pearls, gold, nothin' can match or measure.

-Collette Dean


and this southern girl just put Sugar in her cornbread...