WOMAN on board: handle with care

i have wanted to write up the following for quite awhile and since there seems to be a lull in the action around here (knock on wood) i am going to seize the opportunity and run with it...

in an attempt to find an activity my hubby and i both enjoy we discovered 4-wheeling early last year. in a jeep. not an atv. i like being out in nature - the woods, rocks, hills, trees, streams. he likes the testosterony rush of pushing a vehicle to it's limits - up and over the rocks, hills and trees. we have joined a small select group of experienced, hugely entertaining 4-wheelers and have made several highly enjoyable trips with them.

one such trip was this past summer. Our BIG trip. to the 4-wheeler's mecca.

Moab, Utah.

This is our little group - Day 1.

From L to R (all names have been changed to protect the NOT SO INNOCENT) 'Ernie' in his Suzuki samurai (aka Sammy), then my hubby and his Jeep Wrangler (aka the Mall Jeep), next is 'Fred' and his custom-built from the ground up MONSTER Jeep (aka The Rockatron) and finally, 'Bert' in his beat up 1970-ish Ford Bronco that looks the worst and sounds the worst and performs better than all the other rigs in our group.

Fred's wife, 'Wilma' is my female partner in crime for this trip. We rode shotgun, sunned, shopped, cooked, bitched, shopped some more, mixed the cocktails, packed the lunches, made merry, got into trouble for making merry and just generally kept the boys in line...

Bert and Ernie - perhaps wisely - left their lovely wives at home.

so day 1, Gemini Bridges. Scenic but easy trail to start off the week.

after that, over to Metal Masher. not nearly as tough a trail as the name would imply.

day 1 ends without any serious damage or mishaps. we breath a collective sigh of relief. if you've ever been 4-wheeling, you know that a day on the trail is great - a day on the trail when no one breaks an axle, loses a belt, pops a tire or a plethora of other potential mechanical mishaps is nothing short of miraculous. but we had all week to go. we were pacing ourselves. or so i thought...

you should know - that for the most part - this moab trip was fred's 4-wheeling Dream Vaca. (i was just thrilled to get away from the house and kids for a few days - take me anywhere.) but fred had been talking about and planning this trip to moab for as long as i have known him. so fred has this library of moab books and maps. he was decidedly the 'moab expert' in our group and we all pretty much deferred to his judgment on what trails to do when. mistake #1.

another thing you should know - all the guys on this trip are 'car guys.' between the four of them, there ain't a vehicle made on this planet they couldn't strip down to bare metal and put back together - likely in better shape than it started. seriously - they are that good individually - so as a group, they are nothing less than phenom extrodinaire. and while it pains me to say this - b/c they will likely read this and none of them need the ego strokes - i want it to be clear i was not going into the big utah wilderness with a bunch of automotive buffoons.

so not only do they know how to fix our rigs should the need arise - three of our four drivers have yeeaarrrsss of 4-wheeling experience. our guys make it look easy. really easy. and it is not easy - i have seen enuf idiots to know that this activity takes skill and experience. so fred knows our rigs, our drivers and their combined abilities. again we (or I at least) deferred to his judgment on which trails our drivers were capable of navigating. mistake #2.

day 2. off to Pritchett Canyon. the name sounds innocuous enuf. i wasn't alarmed. didn't sound near as threatening as Helldorado or devil's Revenge or IM.GONNA.EAT.YOUR.RIG.FOR.LUNCH alley. i was calm. gonna be a great day. mistake #3

should have known it was not going to be a walk in the park when we got to the trail head, stopped to regroup and had to send someone back to the local Napa for parts to fix something or other mechanical - i can't remember what - not that i care or would even be able to spell it if i knew.

so Wilma and i got to hang out - in the four square inches of shade available to us and wait. and wait. we cut up. talked about the nekkid guy wilma and fred spied along the river as we were driving in. we made small talk with this red-faced sweaty family of four from the UK coming in from a bike ride. decided we were glad to be 4-wheeling instead of biking.

two hours later - ready to go. two hours. it was almost lunch time. kinda late to be starting off on a trail you've never been on. mistake #4

the canyon scenery was breathtaking. like nothing i have seen before. the trail was the most difficult i have ever wheeled. and i have a rule. when the obstacle is so great it presents a greater than 50% chance of mortality (mine), i get out and walk/hike/climb to the next flat ground. my three kids need at least one parent. and, since it's my rule - i get to determine when the 50% risk factor is met. i did a considerable amount of walking/hiking/climbing/huffing/puffing and cussing this day. more than once i confirmed with my darling husband (DH) that his life insurance is paid up.

i mean we would turn a corner and there would be rocks bigger than my van. some as big as a house. straight up. no bypass. i'm like "IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY - THERE AIN'T NO WAY YOU ARE GIT'N ME TO RIDE UP THAT THANG RAT THAR!" (the redneck 'dialect' really comes out when my physical safety is threatened.) and off i'd go - climbing and hiking again...

our boys (no longer 'guys') are so pleased with themselves and the progress they are making - they're like teething puppies in a room full of beef flavored chew toys.

and then the trail got harder. oh yes it did. and then KA-BOOM! yep, that's the exact sound a transfer case makes when it's been shot dead. the really bad news - the sound came from my ride. that just ain't cool. not cool at all.

we have no real idea how far in we are on the trail. are we almost to the end? we suspected we were. mistake #5.

since we assume we are near the end of the trail and our jeep can still kind of travel - though not well - we continue onward. yep, you guessed it, mistake #6.

our group had to wench and tow our jeep up and over every single pebble, crevice, ledge, mound of gravel, etc. which basically doubled our travel time to the end of the trail. and note - the trail did NOT get any easier after our rig blew. as luck would have it - it got more difficult. seriously.

so we make it to the top - but not before suffering another automotive casualty. Fred's Rockatron threw a belt. and in all our auto supplies - we had ONE belt. we knew it was a crap shoot with this one last belt because some pulley thingamajig was bent and putting undue stress on the replacement belt.

if there was another living creature in a 20 mile radius, they would've heard a audible exhale as we reached the trail end and started the literal downhill climb into the canyon. one jeep crippled. another limping. but we had made it. phew! all we had to do now was go through the canyon and back to the main road. in hindsight - idiot thoughts.

it's nearing twilight as we hit the actual canyon floor. smooth dusty roads for a bit. then we head out on the trail fred has designated as the exit. it starts easy and quickly becomes quite the challenge. we turn around. back to the smooth dusty roads. watch the sun set on the horizon. try a second trail. it turns into a hiking path. turn around. back to smooth dusty roads. other trail. dead end. turn around. yep, smooth and dusty...

and we had GPS. we had maps. we had FRED. the moab expert. i can't remember the exact details - am sure i will be reminded when the boys read this - but for some reason, they either didn't know how to work the GPS, the batteries were dead or didn't have coordinates on our map.

did i forget to mention that the replacement belt on fred's jeep had long ago been ripped to shreds. since we didn't have any pantyhose hanging around and i refused to sacrifice my bra, we were using the next best thing - shoestrings. nope, i'm not kidding. s h o e s t r i n g s.

so it's dark. as dark as i have ever seen it. we discuss splitting up. i protest. we are NOT splitting up. so instead we all load up in the two fully operational rigs. wilma and i hop in with ernie. fred and dh end up with bert in the bronco. we go 'round is circles a bit more. it gets darker. as if that's possible. we stop. the boys get together and strategize. wilma and i calmly discuss what we are going to eat for dinner when we get home. and who gets the shower first.

ernie returns. he tells us that they have one more trail to look at and if it doesn't get us out, we might - there is the possibility - albeit small - there is the possibility - that MAYBE we might camp out in the canyon over night and head out in the morning light. i recognize immediately that wilma and i are being handled. i also realize that the boys have already made up their minds - we are camping out. note: both husbands send ernie to break the news to the wives.

but i'm thinking "cool! adventure! real life grownup adventure that doesn't involve a trip to the er with a sick child!" how often does that happen?

ernie continues to handle us. wilma and i play along. he tells us how he has a two man tent and IF we have to stay over night, us girls can have the tent. and IF we have to stay over night -the boys will build us a fire, circle the rigs and take shifts sleeping through the night. that all the cb's are tuned to the emergency channel - just in case. everything's going to be just fine. yeah, right. w.h.a.t.e.v.e.r.

i think it's all pretty exciting - but dutifully assume the role of the weaker sex. i ain't stupid - i want that d*mn tent...

i'm not worried. the kid in me is saying, "COOL! Camp-out!" the teenager in me is saying "Dang! why didn't i pack the beer?!" the mother in me reminds myself to check with everyone in our group when we set up camp to make sure no one has any medical conditions or will die if they don't take meds in 24 hours. the mother in me is just no fun sometimes...

so yeah, we camped in pritchett canyon overnight. wilma and i got the tent. fred even took the seat covers out of his rig so we wouldn't have to sleep directly on the hard, lumpy ground. they lit a fire and kept it going for us all night. they told us it was "nothing" when we heard some creature howling in the not too distant dark. they - the boys - froze their tail-ends off in the cold wind - cause we didn't have sleeping bags, jackets, blankets or any clothing other than what we had on our backs. i had little sympathy for them at the time. even less now.

first light in pritchett canyon, we were up.

it was decided the best thing to do was to go out the way we came in. and that sounds logical. truly it does. 'cept that we barely got in to begin with. and going back - half of our rigs were virtually disabled. but we did it. had to stop every five minutes to either sacrifice another shoe string for the Rockatron or charge the battery. you could smell the testosterone all the way back - or maybe that was body odor from being on the trail 24+ hours. don't know - don't care.

we made it back to the trail head. it's also a camp site. luckily - empty of campers. each hookup site had a water spigot. we lined up down the path - all six of us - each at a spigot and soaked ourselves. my first and last wet t-shirt contest and the boys were too exhausted to even appreciate it...

our guys and their rigs at the end of the adventure...

so fred is planning a 4-wheeling trip to North Carolina later this year. he is telling me and wilma about this spa nearby - how he and hubby will pay for us to go for the entire day. the full treatment. and the shopping - there is a great shopping area right up the road. and dinner on the lake. privately catered.

oh my, i fear we are being 'handled' again. i'm gonna go with it. i LOVE spas, shopping and catered meals...