not otherwise specified

no, you don't say.

tell me something i didn't a.l.r.e.a.d.y know.

i'm talking sleep study results for my daughter.

I AM SICK TO DEATH OF DOING TEST AFTER TEST AFTER TEST AND STILL NOT HAVING ANY SOLID ANSWERS.

exhale

so. no sleep apnea. i knew this. i am am her mother - of COURSE i knew this. a mother knows if her kids stops breathing - even for a second and the mother is at the complete opposite end of the house. a mother KNOWS this...

diagnosis: "sleep disturbance, not otherwise specified"

no. really?

"the multiple awakenings and arousals seen during the study significantly decrease the patient's sleep efficiency."

is that so? i'd have never guessed. the cranky irritable child i have lived with for seven years gives me no indication whatsoever she has a significantly decreased sleep efficiency.

hrmpft.

i know medicine is not an exact science. i KNOW this. better than most. but at some point - somewhere, someone has GOT to know what' s going on with my child.
and how to make it better.
for her
and for her family.


Note: yes, i tattled on the sleep technician. no. i don't think it mattered to anyone but me.

what do you do when you (almost) forget your favorite sister in-law's birthday?

you tell the whole world (at least the part of the world that reads your blog) what a HUGE LOSER you are while at the same time extolling the endless virtues of aforementioned sister in law.

world, meet K - my favorite sister in law. she is educated, intelligent, beautiful, funny, loving, thoughtful (much more so than i) and she has a special place reserved for her in heaven for marrying my brother! I LOVE HER!!!!!

so sucking up...

yep. that's exactly what you (I) do.

and Monday was her birthday. i (almost) forgot - save that my brother called my dad and my dad called me and i sheepishly called her. and she gave it to me with both barrels. and i'd do the same if i were her. cause if i were married to my brother and the in-laws forgot to worship me on my birthday, well, let's just say it would not be pretty the next time the family got together for tea and crumpets. (it's a joke, brother)

K is the sister in law living and teaching (for now, at least) in south mississippi. pre-katrina, she was a second grade teacher in a cozy little elementary school in pass christian. that school no longer exists. katrina gutted it. the bulldozers finished it. she now teaches middle school art in delisle, MS. the district combined the two school districts into temporary trailers. this will probably be much more than temporary.

on friday, as a late birthday present (or not), she finds out if she still has a job.

the biloxi school district - right down the beach from delisle laid off 60 teachers last month. biloxi is one of the richest school districts in the state of mississippi. they do not have enough students to warrant the current staffing levels. families have left. children are gone - leaving teachers with no one to teach. katrina is still washing away lives in south mississippi.


but again, i digress, back to my FABULOUS sister in law. she is amazing! my brother (her hubby) works off-shore so she is a single mom half the year. and does a great job of it. i am often in awe of her as she skillfully manages a full time job, two small kids and household on her own (half of the time).

K - i love you. i miss you. and i hope you had a wonderful birthday. i am a complete loser and will do better next year. (maybe)

so i've always had vivid dreams

and last night is no exception

i dreamt i was pregnant.
again.
for a fourth time.
rubbing-my-belly-feeling-the-baby-move pregnant.
in addition to the three i already have.

so i am telling hubby about my dream this morning...

i tell him the last thing i remember is how i was going to call my OB in mississippi. the one that delivered my son and did my tubal ligation.

he asks "why?"

i said, "to give her a piece of my mind."

he says, "yeah, that's something you'd do."

damn skippy

is you is or is you ain't

i am not singing this time.
swear.
but i do want to talk about singing.

i have the latest faith hill cd, fireflies. (non-country fans stay with me)

there's a song on this cd entitled Mississippi Girl. i am a Mississippi Girl (born, raised and educated in south mississippi) and have adopted this as my official theme song. so needless to say i LOVE THIS SONG! my two girls LOVE THIS SONG!

when it gets ugly riding in the the van - fussing, fighting, whining, yelling, swearing - i pop in fireflies, fast forward to track #2. when they hear the opening melody - a magical transformation takes place. these little monsters i gave birth to become pop stars - they know every single word and we sing this song over and over at the TOP OF OUR LUNGS! works every single time.

Link to Mississippi Girl on AOL Music

and that's how i often solve conflict in our world. we sing along with Mississippi Girl. (a big thank you to ms. hill on this one!)

although my girls were not born in Mississippi (but in downtown Dallas, Texas - to be exact) they feel a very strong connection to my home state. they each first traveled to mississippi when only four weeks old. we visit as a family several times a year and they individually spend a couple weeks with my parents during the summer. we lived there a year for Sam to go to school at the University of Southern Mississippi's Center for Communication and Development. so they have a valid and very real connection to my birth home.

write this down - if you'd ever like to cause conflict, angst and down right unadulterated anger in a four (almost five) and a seven year old girl, i can tell you how. i learned this little 'trick' on our recent road trip to pick up Sam after her visit with the Grandparents.

you can call them mean, ugly, stubborn, prissy, sassy, hateful, stupid ( i don't actually use this word, but you could), dog-butt face, poopy breath, cat-food-eating stinky rug rats and they wouldn't bat an eye. go ahead. try it. i promise you - wouldn't phase their world.

but if you really want to insult them - to their core - cut them to the quick - just tell them - and stand back when you do - tell them they are NOT Mississippi Girls.

go ahead, i dare ya.
i won't be doing it
again...

now i lay me down to sleep

two words
sleep study

ever done one of these?
we are adding it to the growing list of test and procedures performed on my 7 year old daughter.
so we can say we did, let's review...

jaundiced at one week old - to the hospital three times for blood tests.

skull x-rays at 10 months - hairline fracture

first set of tubes and adnoidectomy at 2 years.
did i forget to mention that she stopped breathing when the extabated her and had to be reintubated??? visual - FREAKED OUT FIRST TIME MOTHER levitating in waiting room chair when dr explains this little experience. me looking at him -barely breathing - in a whisper "ARE YOU TELLING ME - in front of all these people - THAT MY TWO YEAR DAUGHTER JUST STOPPED BREATHING IN THE NEXT ROOM??!!!"
"yes, mam. apparently she has reactive airway disease. would you like to see her now?"
"mam?"
"mam?"
i was already in recovery when he hit the second 'mam.'

second set of tubes and tonsillectomy at 3 years.

scottish rite hospital exam and diagnosis of benign hypermobility joint syndrome at 3 1/2 years. in plain english, she's double jointed - so much so she can almost touch her toes to her belt buckle which in turn caused her pain every day at bedtime...

THIRD set of tubes at 4 years.

diagnosed chronic sinusitis at 4 1/2 years. ENT wanted to place a broviac catheter for antibiotic delivery. that's a direct line into the main artery of the heart (or something like that). it stays in place for a month. can you say I DON'T FREAK'N THINK SO?!
this is the same child that ripped her IV out in less than 10 minutes when i left her with her father in her hospital room (tubes and tonsillectomy). I ran to get a quick bite and when i returned it looked like someone had sacrificed a goat in her hospital room. so no, i don't think we are going to put a direct line into her heart. call me crazy. sometimes you just go with your gut...

so instead, we paid an astronomical amount for an antibiotic compounded with adhesant for her nebulizer which my insurance company deemed as experimental. what does that mean - yep, you guessed it, OUT OF POCKET EXPEN$E. they were going to pay three times as much for the broviac procedure but balked at non-invasive antibiotic treatment. splain that to me...

so that worked. for about 8 months.

then it was off to the OR to have tiny parts of her sinus tissue removed. there's a big long fancy-smancy name for the procedure. i can even spell it. i will spare you. the procedure was a snap. post op was the absolute worst experience of my life - and prolly hers.
take a deep breath and relax your body before reading this => we had to use a water pic with a nasal attachment and warm saline water and irrigate her sinuses twice a day. it took three grown adults to accomplish this. two to hold her, one to irrigate. yes, i am saying we held her down and SPRAYED warm saline water up her nose with a water pic after it had been operated on. i called her dr. no less than 10 times asking if there was some other way to accomplish this. she said no every time. we endured.

then may of 2005. on my way to the airport. business trip to orlando. departing three days early for a few days of R&R at cocoa beach. cell phone rings. hubby. Admitting daughter to hospital with inflamed airways. turn car around. do not pass go. do not collect suntan and tropical fruity drinks by pool. (i love my daughter deeply and am ashamed to admit it - but i am still a little pissy about this one.)

in between the aforementioned tests hospitalizations and surgical procedures, there have been countless speech evaluations, hearing tests, ER visits, allergy shots and she is currently enrolled in our 5th specialized speech program.

my pediatrician and i are on a first name basis. i have her home phone number. she has my cell number memorized. and if you need a referral in dallas - let me know. there is no better pediatrician on the planet. bar none.

so anyway, in comparison, a sleep study sounds pretty tame compared to what Sam has already endured. and let me be very clear - she has endured and conquered. she is a first class trooper. brave and strong. i admire the hell out of her.

and the sleep study was, pretty easy. for her. 'cept for the fact that she had to sleep with more wires hooked up to her than my tv/vcr/dvd player/home theater - it was a cake walk.

why did we do a sleep study you ask. here's the long and short of it. sam has never slept well. won't go to sleep. won't stay asleep. wakes too early. flails, kicks, cries, nightmares, talks, yells - throughout the night. on the few rare occasions i have tried to let her sleep in bed with me, i have had to erect a barrier - akin to the great wall of china - between her and me so as to not wake up black and blue. and even that seldom prevents her from still beating the crap out of me.

last year, she was diagnosed with ADHD. sleep problems go with ADHD. we tried a very low dose ADHD med with almost no effect on her. so instead of going to the next level of meds, her dr. pointed out a child with sleep problems can exhibit ADHD symptoms. hmmmmm. well that's interesting.

so he suggested we go back to square one and rule out sleep problems - that could be causing the adhd behaviors. i'm willing to do just about anything to avoid adhd meds - when possible. so we were off to the sleep lab

get all that? good. 'cause i have had little to no sleep and do not have the wherewithal to splain it again.

it was pretty cool - the sleep technician (that's actually what they call them) hooks up all these wires. elastic velcro bands around her chest and tummy to measure breathing. oxygen thingie under nose. stickers and probes in her hair, on her face, chest and legs. (don'tcha think it's cool how i use all the proper terminology?) then he wrapped up her entire head in gauze so she couldn't rip it out while sleeping - as i was certain she was going to do.

they had a microphone hanging down over her bed and an infrared camera to videotape her.

i got the recliner that folds out to a makeshift sleep-on-a-crack-break-your-mother's-back twin bed substitute.

we (she) finally got to sleep around 9PM - and of course - unlike at home, she goes right to sleep in less than 15 minutes. little smartypants.

and of course, she wakes up at midnight to go to the bathroom. unlike at home - where the pull-up works just fine. little show off.

Me - i lie there and fear that i am going to snore. and it will be recorded.

or i am going to talk in my sleep. and it is going to be recorded.

or, heaven forbid - i pass gas (we ate broccoli and cabbage the night before - stupid t_cole. really stupid) and it will be recorded.

i finally fall asleep. and for the record - i don't know if i snored, talked in my sleep or passed gas as i was too afraid to ask the technician this morning...

so at three am, she is doing that flailing thing she does. talking, slinging arms. so the tech comes in to check on her. he tells me "We've got enough data now if you'd like to leave."

do what?!

me, "i don't think so." [dripping with shock and sarcasm]

is he mad? he wants me to get up at three am and drive an hour to get home. i must be dreaming. as i said out loud - i don't think so...

so let me tell you - at 5:00 AM ON THE DOT, he was in there unplugging my daughter. the paperwork said the study would be completed by 7 - 8 AM. we were out the door at 5:23 AM. no joke. as I was buckling my seat belt, i saw our sleep technician entering the garage to go home.

ahhhhhhh. now i get it. if we leave at three am - HE can go home early.

am i going to tattle? you bet. does it matter we were shorted 2 - 3 hours of data? i don't know. yet. but i can tell you this, my daughter has been through too much in her brief seven years to get the short end of anyone's stick.

allow me to introduce you to the mother bear in me. don't mess with my cubs.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho - it's in the van we go

not sure why it is that i feel like singing to you before a road trip...
wonder if that indicates anything.
surely it does...

in any event, we are off shortly to pick up daughter #1. her week-long adventure with the mississippi grandparents is drawing to an end. i am certain they are doing the happy dance in mississippi.

we will meet them halfway in the morning. truthfully, we go a bit farther than halfway. it's the decent thing to do for grandparents after 10 days with their granddaughter. so to cut up the trip a bit, we are driving over tonight. staying in a hotel and then driving back tomorrow. that beats a 10 hour drive in one day - no matter how uncomfortable the hotel bed is...

and for the record - not that it matters - i wrote a brilliant, witty and highly entertaining entry today complete with photos. and then blogger lost it. was so pissed, i could not find the energy to re-write. forgive me.

see you guys on monday.
i'll try not to sing then...

the scars of childhood are forever scars

no.
i don't want this to be a downer entry.
but it will be a truthful one.
and the truth is this - scars you acquire in your childhood are yours till the day you die.
as with most scars, they fade and are seldom painful.
and thankfully, this is my reality - small faded painless scars.

i have shared with you the wonder i have experienced in reconnecting with my childhood sweetheart. what i have not told you is how unbelievably overwhelming it has been emotionally. the first week - every time i spoke with him, IM'd or even wrote him emails, i sobbed. one night i cried for an hour after we signed off. the deep emotions and strong feelings i found myself awash in rocked my world in a way i had not anticipated.

and i told him this. and i told him i wasn't sure of the WHY of these emotions.

thus began the self exploration.
Why? Why? Why?
Where in the blue blazes did this come from?
i entertained the thought that maybe, subliminally, i did want to reconnect with him in a romantic way.
could that be it? t'would be the obvious explanation. unrealistic - but obvious. and i am an admitted hopeless romantic so i won't lie to you, i gave this specific possibility a great deal of thought. parsed it out. did the 'what if's' and finally came to the conclusion that no, somehow, i knew this wasn't driving the tidal wave of emotions i was riding.
which made it all the more perplexing...

so one night last week. couldn't sleep. lying in bed. started down this path again in my mind. the WHY?!
and in a flash, it came to me. the following is an exerpt from an email i wrote to my sweetheart that night...

while the pain of my youth cannot hold a candle to what your stepmonster did to you and your brother, i did have hurt in my growing up. i was not the skinny kid. i was outspoken. loud. obnoxious even. i did my part in making myself a target. and some of the names we ran through tonight - 'butthole', 'creep-o-la"- they did their part in making
my teens a living hell - as well they could anyway. i had (have) a very low self esteem (that i try very hard to hide) and it stems from those years when i was made to feel completely unworthy. i felt like no one (no boys/men anyway) liked me. or could like me. or ever would like me.

in any event, when you and i first talked this time and you told me that in your 11 year old mind - you thought this is what love must be. and you told me that i was part of the good you remembered. and you tell me that you remember so much of the same wonderful things i do. well, for the first time in my adult life, i feel like i was loved and was worthy as a young girl. to a young boy. as i remind you that your childhood wasn't all bad - you prove to me the same. in as far as my relationships go.

i wondered for years if i had imagined the things that happened with you and me. wondered if it was a one-sided infatuation on my part.
you didn't write when you left - and while i know why - it was so painful to be left behind like that. and while these emotions i have are relevant to us - as friends - they are more important to me - as a woman - trying to piece together my heart. you have validated me in a way i didn't even know i needed. you have reached in and healed a place in my soul i wasn't even aware was still hurting.
but it was - and deeply.

so i think this is a big part of why i so overwhelmed by my feelings for you.

validation and acceptance are so powerful. and you have given these to me.

~audible sigh when he agreed completely with my assessment~

so now, i aspire to give to him as much as he has given me - emotionally.
and he says i have. that i do.

and for you to understand, you have to know something about his childhood scars.
like mine they are his for the rest of his life.
unlike mine, his are not near as faded and painless.

my sweetheart was severely abused as a child.

i saw the effects of this abuse first hand.
i clearly remember the fear and hurt and anger in his face.
i now see the effects of that abuse as a adult.
i don't know which is worse -being helpless as a child to stop it or feeling helpless as an adult to fix it.

and while i know that i cannot do anything to mend this for him - i would walk on broken glass if it would help him reconcile his spirit. to make peace with the past. to find acceptance of himself.

i tell him - often - how wonderful he is. how kind. gentle. loving. caring. generous. genuine. WORTHY. capable. brilliant. awesome. et al. and while i know only he can facilitate his healing - i still plan to do everything i can to be louder and more believable than the voice in his head telling him just the opposite. the voice that often sounds like his stepmonster.

and one day, i wish for him . . .
for his scars to fade away to nothing and never, EVER bring him pain again.

it's not original material but....

I have this thing about only posting my material here. but every now and again, i feel the need to break my own rules. i get tons of email jokes and such every day - and enjoy most all of them. once in a while i get something that makes me laugh till i cry and pee in my pants - the following is such an email. i hope you enjoy as much as i did (go to the bathroom before continuing) ~tcole

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. I don't really remember much after chili No. 3. Man, that is some hot food! I can't believe I was writing what you see here"

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's after burner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks...

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

things to come...

i am still not back to work and still without a baby sitter and still have two very active children underfoot. but i have much to tell you so i will give you a brief teaser of things to come...

this is not a teaser and will be the only time i write about this. and if you are in MISSISSIPPI - DO NOT SPEAK OF THIS TO MY DAUGHTER.
our sweet puppy was in an accident yesterday and was killed. she was with hubby in oklahoma. we are heart broken. we will tell our oldest daughter when she comes home from my parent's home next week as to not mar her time spent with her grandparents.

next, i plan to blog about the recovery and rebuilding in mississippi post katrina. it is monumental and on-going. am waiting on pictures from my brother in law - the photographer.

finally the BIG news. hold onto your pants for this one...
my childhood sweetheart and his wife have booked flights and are coming to visit in june. can you say Holy Cow!?! they are going to spend their time in Mississippi and i will drive over to meet them there.
more details and pictures to follow.

today, i am cleaning and organizing my out of control house.
read a few books with the kids.
swing on the swing set
mourn the loss of our baby
keep going...

can you say....

beat down dog dead so tired your eyelashes hurt after you went to the chiropractor twice in two days because you get free care in mississippi to fix your back and neck but made them sore and then rode nine hours home in the dark with the worst headache of your life - so bad you asked your spouse to stop at the next hospital and he didn't think you were serious and was waiting for blood to come out of your ears so he didn't stop till he got to the texas welcome center and then it was only so he could sleep for an hour where the kids had to pee with the dog whining and she needed a bath and smelt like dirty wet dog but she wasn't wet but the diaper on your son was so you changed him but don't really remember it because your headache was so blinding you were seeing willie nelson then finally got home at 6:21 am and you slept till 11am when your four year old daughter climbed in bed on top of you and inadvertently ripped some hair out of your head - the very same head that just stopped hurting 3 minutes and 26 seconds ago - the same head that was sore all day from the agonizing headache you suffered through the night before and now won't let you go to sleep...

can you say that?

i can...

OMG, i missed you guys!

i'm leaving in a minivan

i'm leaving in a minivan
don't know when i'll be sane again
oh babe, i hate to go

our bags are packed
they're by the door
the kids are hyper
who could ask for more
i hate to think of what fun lies ahead

10 hours cramped
in our minivan
three little kids
two puppies on hand
i going to be a basket case by dawn

cause we're leaving in a minivan
don't know when i'll be sane again
oh babe, i hate to go

if you don't know the tune to sing this little ditty too, you are too young to be reading this blog. go now.

i miss you already. loading up in a few to trek to Mississippi for a long weekend to see the folks.

wish me luck. will check in as time allows. miss me terribly.

in the heart of a child

we all have memories from our childhood - well at least most of us do. and thanks to my parents, the scrapbook of my youth is almost picture perfect.
but do you have memories of your childhood feelings and emotions? i don't know how i would have answered that question before this week. i know now.
i do. and some of these feelings and emotions have been, for lack of a better word, simply overwhelming.

i have written about my childhood sweetheart several times throughout this blog. i knew him in 3rd, 4th and 5th grades. for him it was 4th, 5th and 6th.

his family moved to our small town from Canada. his dad was the local doctor. i was a hypochondriac - induced by my mother. our parents became friendly and spent a considerable amount of time together socializing. we even took a summer vacation to the beach together. as you might imagine, this worked out pretty good for our puppy love affair.

my very first memory of him is when he played the lead role in the 4th grade play, Mary Poppins. He was Bert, Dick Van Dyke's character in the movie version.
i was smitten when he walked onstage. (obviously my affinity for performers and artist started at a young age.)
i walked around singing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious for weeks afterwards.

i don't remember exactly when it was decided we would be boyfriend-girlfriend. or whose idea it was. or how it all really got started. for all i know, and considering how bossy i have always been, i might have just approached him one day and TOLD him he was to be my boyfriend.
however it came to be, i do remember being thrilled about it.

he was smart - really smart. and cute ~swoon~ and talented. had a groovy accent - though he did enjoy pointing out how stupid mine sounded... *roll eyes* he was cool - which was very important back then because The Fonz was all the rage.

he and his brother talked a lot abut 'jugs' and i remember that just cracked me up. i don't recall having 'jugs' at that age but quickly realized they were important to boys and immediately begin wishing for some of my own. note to self: be careful what you wish for.

i told you about holding his hand at the first Star Wars movie. (and for the record, i am sitting here with a really stupid grin on my face as i reminisce and write...)

a group of families i grew up with vacationed every summer in florida. moms, kids and babysitters for a week in a rented two story beach house. (this one =>) the gulf of mexico out the back door and sand dunes on each side. my sweetheart's family joined us at least one summer. luckily, i was still at that age where it didn't bother me if a boy saw me in a swimsuit. i remember sitting alone with him in those dunes. talking. joking. writing our names in the sand. trying to flirt and not really knowing how. we sat in this big chair together out on the balcony - innocently watching the tide and the people and the world go by.

i remember walking along the beach with him late one afternoon. holding hands. and talking. keep in mind that most of our in-depth conversations - when he wasn't explaining to me how canadians were superior to americans - went something like this...
"do you like me?"
"yes. i like you. do you like me?"
"yes. i like you too. are you sure you really like me?"
"yes. i really like you. but don't tell anyone!"
"okay. i won't"

of course i told everyone i knew...
who are we kidding?

and as a matter of events, our first big fight was over something of that nature. he left me once, by choice, for another woman. i hate her to this day. almost broke my little heart. the ONLY saving grace in all of it was that his younger brother, whom i always adored, pulled me aside one day and told me matter of factly that he liked me way better than his brother's current girlfriend. somehow, that made it all okay...

but we made up. again, i don't remember the details. just that we did. shortly thereafter, he left me again. not by choice. his dad moved their family to oregon to start a practice there.

i remember my emotion when i found out they were moving. shock. disbelief. grief. the deepest pain i had ever experienced in my young life.

the last time we were ever together as children was when his family came to our home for dinner. all of us kids played hide and seek in the basement. of course my sweetheart and i hid together in the dark dank completely unromantic barren bathroom. there, in the dim light, surrounded by the sweet smell of mold and mildew, i was certain i was about to get my first real live on-the-lips kiss. i think my eyelids were shaking i was so nervous. i wanted to kiss him. i wanted him to kiss me. i wanted him to WANT to kiss me. and i think he did. want to kiss me.

.D.R.A.M.A.T.I.C. .P.A.U.S.E.



but he didn't. we didn't. we never kissed. not even once. ever.
about that time a voice from above yelled it was time for his family to leave. so they left for the evening and then they moved. he was gone and this time, it did break my little heart. completely.

i've told you about writing him letters. and never getting a response.
i slowly began to believe that he didn't really like me after all.
that he had forgotten all about me.

fast forward to college. early 1987. a song by amy grant.

Stay For Awhile.

was one of her first mainstream hits and it got a lot of air time. the lyrics and melody taunted me.
it reminded me of him.

Long time since I've seen your smile,
But when I close my eyes,
I remember
You were no more than a child,
But then so was I,
Young and tender.

Time carries on;
I guess it always will,
But deep inside my heart
Time stands still.

Stay for awhile.
Well, it's good to see your smile,
And I love your company.
Stay for awhile.
And remember the days gone by;
For a moment it can seem
Just the way it used to be.

Snowfalls, phone calls, broken hearts,
Clear summer days,
Warm and lazy;
Long walks, long talks, after dark;
We vowed we'd never forget.
Now it's hazy.

Time takes its toll,
And time alters our view.
It would be nice to
Spend some time with you

i finally confessed to my dad i was thinking about trying to get in touch with my sweetheart. would it be okay with him? he agreed to the plan.

i made a few phone calls and finally got a number. HIS number. he was back in Canada.

i dialed. my hands shaking. it rang. heart in my throat. he answered. think i might faint.

this is the exact conversation...

"may I speak with 'Sweetheart' please?"
"This is he."
"Sweetheart, do you know who this is?"
"it's t-cole."

he did remember me.

he had never forgotten.
we talked. laughed and joked. it was comfortable. he was charming.

i went to the calgary olympics in winter of 1988. no expectations other than to reconnect with some old friends and enjoy the games. i stayed with his younger brother. i met sweetheart's then girlfriend. i wanted to hate her. i planned to hate her. he was, after all, mine first. but there was no way. she was wonderful. it was quickly evident that she made him very happy and that he loved her deeply. how can you hate that??

so after the games, i went home. back to college. we kept up for awhile and once again life took us in different directions. he married his girlfriend and the last thing i heard - 13 years ago through a mutual friend - was they had their first baby and all was well.

and i got married. started a family. living a grown-up's life. then this valentine's my hubby took me to the star wars concert. the music brought back a flood of memories and emotions and led me to

write about my first quasi-date with my sweetheart. NoWhereGirl suggested i send a copy of the entry to my old sweetheart. got me to thinking. of course i had no idea how to get in touch with him. i asked our one mutual friend if she had any contact with them. no, not for 10 years.

Google to the rescue. seriously. 15 minutes and i had a potential email addy.

i wrote - "is this the same 'sweetheart' that spent part of his childhood in south mississippi? if so, guess what, it's t_cole!"

much to my surprise and overwhelming delight - it was him. it is him. he sent pictures of himself, his three beautiful kids and the girlfriend - now wife - that i so wanted to hate- who looks like she hasn't aged a day since i met her 16 years go. who DOES she think she is?!?!
i digress. exhale. deep breath...
i emailed him back and told him about the blog entry and why i contacted him. gave him the link. sent him my IM id.

later that night, we went live on IM. he told me he read the blog entry and that it brought tears to his eyes. that it took him back to being 11 years old in the theater and having those feelings of being excited and terrified at the same time. of course that made me cry.

we had a great talk. chatted about the old days. our collective memories were given a real workout. talked about the beach. the talks. the walks. he told me that he remembered thinking in his own 11 year old way that this is what love must be. we laughed. i cried some more. he is STILL smart - really smart. and cute ~swoon~ and talented and cool. check out this pic.

and we have been chatting via email and im for several days now. he said it is bizarre. how we now have the opportunity to be the friends we never could be before.

and before your little bloggie minds get to cranking... his wife knows we are chatting. my hubby knows. they will ALL probably read this. so keep it clean. i'm serious. the only suspicious accusation we've had so far was from HIS wife. she accused him of talking with a southern accent the other night when he started telling her about chatting with me.

what's that's all about, ehh?

*******************************************

NOTE TO SWEETHEART:

thanks for allowing me to write about this.

from you, i first learned about the joys of love and the sorrow of loss. i am choosing to remember the joys. i hope you do too.

you are precious and cherished. kind, gentle and generous.

you are right, it is divine intervention that allowed our paths to cross once again.

this time, let's get this friendship thing right.

oh, and one last thing - here's that kiss...

MMMMUUUUWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!

TAGGED - my fives list for big pissy...

What were you doing 10 years ago?
February 1996. hmmmm... been married a little over a year. had just started a new job. was in the beginning stages of a software implementation.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
February 2005. my son had just turned a year old and was not walking or crawling so i was stressing out about that. he runs now. pretends he's a horse. climbs on top of the kitchen table. amazing what a difference a year can make.

Five snacks I enjoy (and by my definition - a 'snack' cannot be good for you)

Really fresh hot buttery popcorn
Dark Chocolate
BBQ chips and Barq's rootbeer
my Dad's homemade beef jerky
chocolate covered anything

Five songs to which I know all the lyrics

the Barney I Love You song - i am not proud of this
Mississippi Girl by Faith Hill - my personal anthem
If You're Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield - great for slow dancing
Out of My Mind by James Blunt - where i live most of the time
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison - my theme song - they play this whenever i walk out onto the stage of my life. (in my dreams)

Five things I'd do if I were a millionaire

travel more (get a time share at the beach and in the mountains)

set up college funds for my kids, nieces and nephews

buy one of every style in every color of Cole Hahn shoes in my size

plastic surgery - boob lift and tummy tuck, maybe some lipo here and there...

have my hair and nails and toes done every single week

Five bad habits

talk too much

eat too much

bitch too much

curse too much

that's only four - and other than these, i am perfect. (okay, that's #5, think too highly of myself...)

Five things I like doing

riding in a convertible with the top down on a clear blue day

hanging out with my kids when they are not ill, cranky or whining.

riding horses in the mountains

downhill snow skiing through fresh powder

traveling anywhere i've never been

Five things I would never wear, buy or get new again

would never buy another Barney VHS tape or DVD - because i already own every one ever made.would never EVER wear anything purple

will never again buy or wear a nursing bra or maternity pants

will never EVER again for the rest of my life wear a t-shirt that says "Baby on Board" with an arrow pointing down

will never again buy or wear maternity pantyhose again - i do believe i am detecting a pattern here...

Five favorite toys

my first one is literally a toy. my daughter got a new truck. it thumps and rocks and plays "We Will Rock You" by Queen. we all love it. had to go buy my son one. (Target)

New massaging desk chair

my laptop and wireless internet. i know i should get out more - but i think it is the coolest thing to sit in front of the tv, watch american idol and blog at the same time.

my new wine bottle opener - one of those rabbit things that just 'swishes' the cork out.

??? i have run out of toys... do the kids count?

there ya go pissy. hope you enjoyed. t'was fun.

..gotta.get.a.life. .gotta.get.a.life. .gotta.get.a.life..

is it tuesday yet? we both know it isn't. AARRRGGGHHHH!

my name is t_cole and i am an addict.

I.NEED.MY.AMERICAN.IDOL.FIX

i am pathetic! i am pitiful! i didn't start out this way!

season 1 - i only watched the very last episode when Kelly beat Justin.

season 2 - i only watched the top 12 - none of the tryouts. clay was robbed, btw

season 3 - hubby kept dragging me in to watch parts of the tryouts. he picked fantasia to win at the beginning. he was right and i have not heard the end of it yet.

season 4 - watched all the tryouts, every episode - including the one when my guy constantine got cut, i sobbed and swore off american idol for the rest of my life. was back, front and center for the next episode. i am weak.

season 5 - sucked in once again. we recorded both nights last week - girls and guys. i have seen each one at least 3 times. once on my own, once with hubby and once (or twice) with my kids. kids love it too but have a 7PM bedtime and CANNOT stay up late on school nights. Mean Mommy, yes, I know. whatever!

so here are my two top picks. for the girls, Katharine McPhee. i just like her. GREAT voice. fabulous stage presence. GORGEOUS! and fun-loving personality. she's my first pick for the gals. my second choice would be Paris Bennett.

for the guys - i am torn. there are several i like. but i must go with Ace Young. first off, he is yummy. i know that is not the best criteria for selecting the next american idol, but it's a good start. he can actually sing. he appears to be relatively unaffected. and the song he did last week, Father Figure, had a line in it about being warm and naked by my side. (yes, he was too talking to me!) woohoo.

i think it was the wise and beautiful Dolly Parton that once said, "I'm old enuf to be that boy's lover."

i always did think Dolly was well spoken...

pathetic, i tell ya...

i don't care how old you are...

when your mom and dad call you first thing in the morning, sing Happy Birthday to you, remind you for the 38th year in a row of the snow and ice and how cold it was in Mississippi the morning you were born - it's a good day. a very good day.

and i don't care how it sounds, i still love it when my momma tells me, "i love you sweet baby."
i still love it when my dad reminds me of the childhood story he's always told me about finding me at the hospital in this big box. like i was a gift.


i love it when my hubby and kids bring me chocolate cake, candles, wine, a bubble bath and give me a new massaging desk chair. (woohoo!)

i am loved. i am spoiled. i am needed and wanted.
it's how everyone should feel on their birthday.

it's my blog and i'll rant if i want to

this rant is motivated by a recent entry i read on another blog. i will not name names or give you a link as i do not wish to give their obvious ignorance and blatant prejudices another second of air time.

but here's what i have to say...

i was born, raised and educated in South Mississippi. as such - i saw/experienced/lived FIRST HAND bigotry, racism, hatred and prejudice. i remember days at school when the white parents were told to keep their kids at home because the black kids were going to "start trouble."

Charles Mack Parker, a black man, was taken from a jail cell in my home town by a gang of white men - lynched and thrown off a bridge into the Pearl River. I wasn't born when this happened, but this story was very much alive when i grew up. i even went to church on Sundays with men that were complicit in this event.

in all this - i was one of the lucky ones. kids are NOT born hating others. they learn it. my parents never taught me hate. never. they never taught me prejudice. fortunately, the parents of most of my friends felt the same way. My Jr. year in High school - 1985 - was the first year we had an integrated prom. a group of white seniors decided they only wanted to socialize with their kind. so they threw their own "Spring Dance" - by invitation only. i don't recall getting an invitation to that event. thankfully. my Sr. year was the first year we had only one prom - and everyone attended.

i asked my mom once why they raised me as they did. her response went something like this...

"you know i grew up in a childrens' home. we were the poor kids. we were the kids that no one wanted to play with. i knew what it was like to be prejudiced against and i never wanted you to make anyone feel that way."

whatta mom!

in college, i was an RA (resident assistant) in the dorm. one night a bunch of us got together and watched Mississippi Burning. i knew the story but had never seen the film. i sobbed through the entire thing. some of the girls i went with that night were black. they were my friends. they laughed at me for a week b/c every time i saw them, i cried, hugged them and apologized for the idiocy that was...

i moved to vail, colorado after college. my manager was from Manhattan. apparently i was the first person from mississippi she had ever met. first chance she got, she pulled me to the side and asked me in a hushed whisper, "Are you prejudiced?" i whispered back, "No. is that a problem?"

Why do i tell you all this? not to degrade my home state because you KNOW how much I love Mississippi and her people. for every 1 bigoted idiot in Mississippi, there are 100 beautiful, intelligent souls. apparently the same is true in the blogosphere. the vast majority of the blogs i read regularly and even the ones i drop in on occasionally are well written, funny, informative and mostly uplifting. and while everyone is entitled to their own preconceptions, stupidity and their right to express such, SO AM I.

i tell you all this because i feel i am uniquely qualified to recognize ignorance and prejudice when it is thinly veiled as an futile attempt at humor - as it was in this blog. before i even read the entry comments, which got heated and nasty, the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. the writer sincerely thought she was being funny - making fun of someone's cultural music choice and describing the type of restaurant it would usually be heard in. nope, sorry hon, not funny at all.

it's one thing for me to make fun of rednecks. i r one. CP can poke fun at the idiosyncrasies of being jewish - she r one. and pissy, if she wishes, can diss latinas. she r one. oprah can talk about the challenges of black women's hair on national tv. you will NEVER EVER hear jane pauley do that. everyone knows it's okay to talk about your own family - but never acceptable to rag on someone else's.

you know who you are. you crossed a line. your profile states that you hate stupid people. that must create a certain level of self loathing in your life.

you offended someone i adore. you offended me. and while it is your right to do so, it is also my right to call you on it.

Thank God I'm a Country Girl

yes, i live on a farm. 7 acres, a barn, a horse, a longhorn, 1 chicken, a dog (still not house-trained), a gaggle of cats and kittens, a dried up pond and my neighbor's small herd of long horn cattle graze our pasture.

all the longhorns have names and my girls and i know just about every one of them by the correct name. one moma cow, who has an especially bad nature and the sharpest horns on the block is name B*tch. my neighbor, God bless her, is thoughtful enuf to tell my kids her name is 'witch.'

it took some adjusting when we moved to the country from the city. and while i grew up in a small town - i was a small town 'city girl.' after marriage, hubby and i resided in one of the largest burbs of dallas. found out we were prego with #2. needed a bigger home. wanted a little space. and we found it - waaaaaayyyyyyy out yonder ways. i drive 25 minutes one way to the nearest Wal-Mart. no joke. no street lights on our DIRT road.

eventually, i adjusted to the peace and quiet, clean air, no traffic sounds and actually being able to see the stars at night. met the neighbors, made some friends, fell into a country living routine. learned to expect the unexpected. like the time i was convinced a cat was stuck in the vent for my oven. went outside to find my neighbor's peacocks on my roof. once found a swarm of bees in a tree in my front yard. i have a neighbor down the road that is straight out of steel magnolias. (not the sally field character, the shirley mcclain one) saw a tarantula crossing the paved road near my home. called the county agent immediately when i got home to ask if there was any chance i was hallucinating. he patiently assured me that no, i was not seeing things. that tarantulas are indeed indigenous to my area. he further tried to calm me by saying, " i can assure you 'mam, they are much more scared of you than you are of them." I quickly and quietly told him there was no such way he could assure me of such a thing. he may be intimately acquainted with all the texas tarantulas but he and i had never met and i was MORTIFIED of the hairy little critters.

anywho, one christmas morning - when the girls were still pretty little, they were working their way into the kitchen after opening presents. shrill little girl - horror film in training screams - flew from their mouths...

LOOK WHAT SANTA BROUGHT US!!!!

there, grazing in our back yard was the biggest most beautiful mare you have ever laid eyes on.

i looked at hubby, who looked at me to find me looking back at him...

what the .... ? ! ? !

this was the first of many times Sassy came to visit us. she actually belonged to our neighbor across the street. she likes to sneak off and visit the neighbors (us) when her mommy's not looking.

so when the neighbor came to retrieve sassy, i explained to her that my girls STILL think her horse is a gift from Santa. would it be too much to ask for her to bring Sassy back one day so the girls can have a quick ride?

and thus began our on-going relationship with and fondness for our new found neighbors and their sassy.

well folks, meet sassy's new baby and our newest neighbor. She was born monday night and i took these tuesday morning. mommy and baby are doing fine.

the only beef i have with my neighbor is this - she told my then 6 and 4 year old daughters about this impending foal way back before Christmas - like september. nary a day has gone by when one of my two girls has not asked me when sassy's baby would be here. it was like the "are we there yet?" for six months straight. nonstop. thanks neighbor... =)

to sassy's beautiful baby - I am sooooooo glad you are here. you really have no idea. get ready, i imagine we're going to be regulars at your place...

gratuitous birthday pics for grandparents and menu details for kc and pixie

see next entry for lead-in story...

due to inclement weather, we ended up with only 14 in attendance. mostly hubby's family. fred and wilma (of moab fame) were with us too. they came early and we had a blast preparing all the goods. mother in law had cleaned my house by the time i finally got home from nashville. i so owe her.

all in all, it was a very nice, mostly relaxing dinner with dear friends and family.

i am not going to caption all these pics.
daughter #1 (Sam) is in pink with pigtail
daughter #2 (Savvy) is the curly headed blonde
birthday boy (Smith) is in yellow John Deere t-shirt he got from his Mississippi grandparents for his birthday.
hubby in long sleeve grey shirt.
I still do not have on makeup (see previous post) - and am hiding as best i can when i see the lens aimed my way...
other kids are cousins. big kids are aunts, uncles, fred and wilma.

that's 'fred' teaching my son all about 4-wheeling in moab...

ok, menu information. here's how you do it when you have had the week i have...

mind you, i can do all this homemade with my eyes closed and one arm tied behind my back. seriously, i can. however, i am smart and knew that if i tried to do the entire meal from scratch after traveling and having the kids all day, it would be an emotional disaster and i would gain no enjoyment from it at all. and quite frankly, i had just worked too darn hard to get home for my son to not enjoy it...

with that said,

i made hot wings from scratch - buy the wingettes - not the wings. makes a difference. use ONLY Franks Hot Wing sauce. do not bother with any other. trust me on this or pay the price. recipe is on bottle of Frank's sauce. is stupid easy.

served with side of celery sticks and carrots - crisped in bowl of ice water - served with Ken's Steak House Blue Cheese dressing. again, BE BRAND LOYAL on this item.

then bought two bags of romaine lettuce - washed and chopped - tossed with shredded (not grated) parmesan cheese, croutons and Ken's Steak House Caesar.

one loaf french bread and one loaf sourdough - both fresh from the bakery.

this next dish will get you a marriage proposal from any man. i guarantee it. four cans WHOLE green beans - not the generic brand. Wishbone Fat Free Italian dressing - no other will do. if you don't use FF, the dish will be one big oil slick. one package of cheap, thin bacon. don't get the spensive thick stuff.

drain beans - pour in large mixing bowl. spray 13 X 9 pan with Pam (or such). Cut bacon in half.

on cutting board, take one half piece of bacon, get about 8 beans, lay across bacon and wrap the bacon around the beans. place in pan. repeat till all beans and bacon are used. should fill a pan nicely. you can squeeze them in tightly if need be as they will shrink a bit when cooking. cover the beans and bacon with bottle of salad dressing. if there are any broken small pieces of beans left, i throw them in too.

bake in preheated oven at 350 degrees for an hour. serve and wait for proposal. i am famous for this dish and it is stupid easy.

finally the entree - Stouffer's frozen lasagna. micro, bake and serve. it's as good as any i could make.

of course desert is cake and ice cream.

so this was an easy one. hope you enjoyed - we sure did. i have one other recipe i am famous for and although i did not serve it the other night, i have to share it with you. but be warned, if you ever make this and take it to a covered dish affair, you WILL BE ASKED TO BRING IT AGAIN and again and again. and it's not cheap to make. so think twice before sharing it with others...

two bags prewashed salad greens - or two heads of lettuce- whatever you prefer works.

package of strawberries, washed and quartered

package of blueberries and/or raspberries

bag of apricots, diced - cut each into about 6 pieces

bag of Craisins - the original ones

bag of sliced roasted honey glazed almonds

small container (about 6 oz) of Blue Cheese crumbles

bottle of poppyseed dressing - i usually buy fat free and it is just as good to me - your preference.

toss everything but strawberries, blueberries and raspberries very well. when it is mixed, gently toss in remaining fruit. i just sprinkle the raspberries on top as they are so delicate.

serve immediately.

bon appetite...